Riding On The Metro

There is a song I like by synthpop band Berlin called The Metro. If you don't know it here's a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UXtort76gY. Even though the song is about the Paris Metro, every time I go on the Tyne and Wear Metro system I sing the song especially the line "riding on the metro". Now I wouldn't be offending anyone if I said the Tyne and Wear Metro isn't quite as glamorous as its Parisian counterpart.

It is though a great mass transit system that runs underground and overground and it might be important at this point to tell you that I LOVE undergrounds and metros. And I mean LOVE Why? I have no idea but I once had an interview to drive metro trains. Unfortunately I knew more about the Tyne and Wear system than the person interviewing me and they obviously thought I was a smart arse because I didn't get the job. I have learnt now to never correct interviewers, no mater how wrong they are.

Anyway yesterday was the first time the wee man had (knowingly) been on a Metro train and I wouldn't be lying if I said it was a great moment for the both of us. We took the escalators deep into the bowls of Newcastle city centre and hopped on a train bound for the Airport. The wee man was already brimming with glee as he has a thing for escalators. In my excitement I even managed to get a seat right at the back window so we could watch each station disappear into the distance. He sat opened mouthed and surprisingly still as we rushed trough tunnels and out into the open air. I'm sure even at his age this will be moment he will never forget. Just wait till I get him to Tokyo to ride their underground.

When we reached our stop I sat with him on the platform as he watched a few trains pass through the station and he waved at nearly all of them. I'm not afraid to say there was some good father son bonding going on. Next stop is the airport and plane watching. Proper man time.


jpr  

The Chancellor's Brush With Masculinity

Suddenly and inevitably the spring I was so excited yesterday about has vanished under a blanket of grey clouds. Now I don't often uses daft things like upside down or happy faces but it seems appropriate here, so here goes :( . Seeing as this kind of weather inspires me as much as the we man's nappies when he's ill I thought I would tell you a little story. Are you sitting comfortably?

Some time last year I wrote about a day when I was mistaken for a woman. I didn't see the funny side of this that my friends did and it instantly made me want to cut my hair. Anyway last week while The Chancellor was on holiday the same thing happened to her only this time she was mistaken for a man. Now let me say she looks nothing like a man and could be mistaken for Audrey Hepburn. I would show you a picture but that would blow her cover and I would imagine you would find her too good looking, so much so that it would blind you. It certainly blinds me everyday. Oooh yeah, I'm good.

Anyway the incident in question happened in a park and a nosy little girl thought it would be smart to point out to her gran that the wee man had slipped from his mother's grasp and was making a break from freedom. I had walked a little further on as I hadn't realised the wee man had gotten distracted by a gust of wind. The gran turned to her grand daughter and told her that it's alright his dad is right next to him.

For the next few days all I got from The Chancellor was "Do I look like a man?" I obviously told her no and that the gran was either blind or just not looking. "What kind of man wears an elegant winter coast?" she asked me. Well I do for one but I didn't tell her this.

I understood her pain as I was wracked with annoyance that I could possibly be mistaken for the opposite sex. So we both over compensated and now The Chancellor is going to grow her hair long and I'm not going to shave ever again. The only problem with this is I will look like an idiot while The Chancellor will still look great. Oooh yeah.

jpr

With A Knapsack On My Back

Life seems suddenly great today. This may have something to do with the sun being out and it feels dare I say it like spring. There has been a spring in both our steps today and we took the opportunity to get down to the aquarium and the beach. It's amazing what a bit of sun will do for your morale. The local aquarium runs a good offer called Toddler Tuesday, where they charge significantly less than what they normally do. And what they normally charge is insanely expensive. So taking advantage of the the cheap prices seemed like good economics. Included in the price is the most useful thing of all a free cup of coffee.

The wee man was certainly ready for a trip out and scarily can now wear his own backpack. So with a splash we delved into a more fishy world but my timing was a bit off and we had to share the place a large school group. This would have been OK if that hadn't taken over every thing in the place including the men's toilets where I had to wait for all the kids to finish their business before I could even get in. When you have a child who wants to escape and a full bladder this can be pretty tedious and time can suddenly go really slowly. Luckily the teachers saw me crossing my legs and hurried the little kids along.

After we had seen sharks, lobsters and more primary school children than we really wanted to we nipped over the road to the beach and the wee man dashed off to chase any dog he could find. I had intended to have a nice picnic on the beach but forgot useful things like spoons and water. So I had to fashion cutlery out of whatever I could find. The wee man was obviously not impressed by this and took to eating shells and rocks. He obviously had too much fun as he collapsed with exhaustion soon after and had to be brought home. Hooray for the sun.

jpr

The End Of Holidays

One Man is getting old. This morning the wee man and I went to collect mine and The Chancellor's new glasses. I've never worn any glasses before and as I sit here wearing them for the first time I can tell you that it feels a bit odd. The wee man's reaction to my new accessories was one of humour and happiness as he now has something to rip off my face and chew on. This is a game that probably won't get boring any time soon for him.

This morning saw the return of The Chancellor to work. None of us particularly wanted this to happen but we have to pay the mortgage some way. It has been nice the past week to have her here even if I was forced to do jobs around the house. Now the house seems eerily quiet, that is until the wee man wakes up from his nap and demands his lunch.

To keep myself from descending into madness, plans a plenty have been made for the week. These plans actually involve us leaving the house and going further afield than the local park and supermarket. I think a few day trips should stem the tide of boredom. This week we have also been promised sun and warmish temperatures. Now these two things have been in such short supply since October last year that I've forgotten what it's like to not wear a scarf outdoors. I envisage this being the beginning of the end of winter and sun might bring a smile to my face, it will certainly mean we can do a lot more fun outdoorsy things. Today though is freezing but I only have to endure one more day before I break out my shorts and sun cream. I often wonder why I live so far north.


jpr  

In The Night Garden

There is programme the wee man watches just before bed called In the Night Garden. As he loves it so much I thought I would devote a blog to it. Also it is worth talking about because it's so mindbogglingly mental. There are a lot of kid's shows that I get and can see the point of but with this show I've been watching it for a while and I still have no idea what is going on.

There are lots of different characters who all live in this garden that's up in the stars or the imagination but then that would make them abstract and that would cause a whole load of different problems for me. I will try to give you my interpretation of some of the weirdest characters.

Iggle Piggle- He's blue, runs around waving and fancies a lassie called Oopsy Daisy.

Oopsy Daisy- She's really really annoying. She likes to say her own name over and over again sometimes singing it through a megaphone. Iggle Piggle I imagine one day will come up behind her and beat her to death with it. She also likes to show her knickers to anyone who's interested. In short she is like one of those women you see on a night out whose had a few too many drinks and is in the gutter singing by one in the morning.

Macca Pakka- God only knows what this guy is. He again likes his own name and trundles around the garden with a Zimmer Frame cleaning rocks and people's faces. It's hard to know what the point of this guy is.

The Tombliboos- There are three of them and they would be your neighbours from hell. They play loud and horrendous music and fall over a lot. Avoid if possible.

The Pontipines and The Wattingers- Miniature creatures who live side by side in a semi-detached house. They are the show's interpretation of the middle east crisis, which ones are the Muslims and which ones are the Jews is a matter of personal opinion.

There are various other characters included a demented train and a boobie like airship that 'ponks' stuff. Very weird and all very subversive. But for some reason loads of children LOVE it. It's hard to go into complete detail in a short blog but it's safe to say LSD was used in the conception of this show.

jpr

The Wee Man Repays Some Of His Debts

Keeping a toddler entertained is hard. We all know this or if you don't I tell you enough times. But keeping a toddler entertained during a wedding ceremony is even harder. Today it was my job to keep the wee man busy for an hour and keep him quiet during the important parts of the ceremony.

The day got off to an auspicious start as I realised that I didn't fit into any of the trouser parts of my suits. This made me very sad as they were a long way off fitting. Being a stay at home dad has done nothing for my waist line but I am more determined than ever not to turn into one of those obese people you see at on TV and say "ewwwwww".  The exercise regime starts tomorrow.

So after I finally found a pair of trousers that accommodated my extra girth and we trotted off to the wedding of a good friend. We were unfortunately only able to make it to the ceremony as all our babysitters were busy and it was a long way to bring him back then go back out again. So we are missing out on a very loud and raucous party which is a shame.

The ceremony though was an exercise is distraction. I had an array of things to keep the wee man entertained from wallets and bank cards to books and multiple packs of raisins and a dummy. To give him his dues the wee man was great and sat happily reading and got very excited by the hymns and his grandfather's singing. Towards the end, as boredom set in, fussiness took over but a quick glance over my shoulder to some pretty girls made him happier and the pretty girls cooed over him which he loved.

It's hard to take in anything that's going on in the ceremony because you're trying hard to preempt what the wee man will want and what will keep him from causing havoc. But today he passed the test and pays off some of the debt he owes me. Good lad.


jpr

 

An Ode To Children's Books

I like to read my son his books,

I can tell he’s excited by the way he looks,

He sits and he listens as I drone,

Intently, intently without a groan.

He loves to hear Green Eggs and Ham,

He loves to point to Sam-I-Am.

Books in the lounge

Books with his lunch

Books one at a time

Or books in a bunch

He likes to read them here and there,

He likes to read them everywhere.

Subjects aplenty subjects diverse,

I keep mine in my pocket, his mum in her purse.

The Cat In The Hat is a favourite of his,

My renditions tend to send him into a tiz.

I leap up on high

I crouch down low

I hope my silliness will make him grow.

He probably thinks I’m a bit of a fool, a fool, a fool,

But I think I’m cool.

Books in the hall,

Books on the wall,

Books in the bin,

These come with a grin.

Apart from his bunny his books he likes best,

Cuddled up tight in pyjamas and vest,

He falls asleep with our words in his ears,

Dreaming of knights on horseback with spears.

So goodnight my young son I’m going to go

To tidy your books that you’ve thrown to and fro

I might even read Green Eggs and Ham

I do like that one Sam-I-Am.