The Chancellor Is Very Wonderful

Today's post nearly didn't happen. After a routine bout of man flu yesterday, I thought after a good nights sleep I would be ok. But this morning after an awful ill nights sleep I started vomiting blood. I'm no medical expert but I know that this isn't a very good thing. A few years ago the same thing happened but that was because I gauged on meat which included eating a suckling pig. This time there was no meat involved, so it made me worry a little seeing the toilet bowl filled with blood. I cried out to The Chancellor to see what had happened not that it was at all a pretty sight. 

So she stood by her marriage vows and took the day off work to help me with the wee man. As I couldn't walk this morning it would have been very hard for me to do any childcare. She has been a star all day letting me sleep for four extra hours this morning, making me soup and looking after a very grumpy child. A very grumpy child. It's important that I say this twice as he's been a little bugger all day. But if he has the onsets of what I have then I feel very sorry for him.

To placate the wee man The Chancellor is dancing around to a Disney songs CD that seems to have been on a permanent cycle in our house. He is more than happy to bounce up and down for the entirety of the CD, which is good for me as it tires him out ergo sleep tonight, in reality this never happens it's just me being hopeful.Without ever really wanting or asking to I know now the words to most Disney movie songs and find myself singing them around the house, which is really annoying. What is also really annoying is he has just discovered the button that starts the same songs again, he will let it run for a few second then press the button starting it again and again and again until you have to just turn the machine off to save sanity. Walt Disney has a lot to answer for.

jpr   

First Birthday Parties Part 2

Round two today of first birthdays. For us there will now be a few weeks at the same time each year of children's birthdays. This will be the very expensive month, especially so close to Christmas. The older the children get the more depressed I think we will get. Before you know it the wee man will be 21, a fully fledged adult and I will be old with a bad hip moaning about how everything was much better  in my day, which is very true it was better.

Today though was about more food, more cake and lots more children but not as many as yesterday fortunately. I'm not sure I could have coped with loads of marauding children again. Luckily the wee man and I managed to find ourselves a quiet corner where we could play with the toys and eat our buffet foods, which were very nice. The only sour moment was when the party girl cuddled the wee man and he burst into tears. It's difficult to explain to him that in a few years time he will be desperate for girls to cuddle him. All in good time son, all in good time.

Like yesterday we were sent packing with a good amount of cake most of which has been eaten already over a cup of tea. A great Sunday afternoon. For me maybe but not The Chancellor who as I write is wrestling with an exploding diarrheay nappy and a very over tired baby. I'll just leave her to it, wouldn't want to interfere. Plus I still have half a cup of tea here and rotten smell will put me off finishing it.

So once again this weekend, partying has worn us all out and we are ready for bed a few hours earlier than normal. It's hard this sociable lark. We were saying on the way back from the party we have more friends and do more things now we have the wee man, just a shame we have no money now.


jpr





      

Black Eyes, Piss and Cake

'We have a son with a black eye and odd socks and we're covered in piss! We shouldn't be allowed to go to these things, we're not like the other parents!'

This was the cry from The Chancellor as we drove off to a first birthday party, naturally late for proceedings  What she spoke was the truth we did all look like a right state. The wee man had been awoken early from his nap which like yesterday he wasn't happy about. And in his anger he unleashed, while in the middle of a nappy change, piss all over himself, me and The Chancellor. In hindsight I don't really blame him. I'm always annoyed when something wakes me up.

I had hoped to find, at the party, a chair in a quiet room to hide away in but on arrival I quickly realised that this wouldn't happen. Children everywhere. And not just babies but big children all making loads of noise and one even started circling me with a toy train. This made me very uncomfortable and I tried discreetly to shoo him away. Every room we entered there were tears, then shouts then more tears. The wee man to be fair managed pretty well, he just took it all in his stride until he conked out on his mum. I felt like doing the same. 

All tired out we left managing to stash a hearty amount of cake with us which I am now eating quite happily as the wee man naps and The Chancellor reads her magazine. How civilised. And on top of this we have a babysitter (Irish Mummy) booked for tonight and I am taking The Chancellor out for a romantic meal which she is paying for! I only found out about this last night. Don't ask, long story, crossed wires. I might raid my penny collection and pay for the tip. Would they frown on getting a tip with pennies? Only one way to find out.

jpr

The Rise Of The Dad (For One Week At Least)

For the first time since I took over from The Chancellor, men outnumbered women at a baby group today. I am claiming this a win for dads despite the fact that there are only five babies in the group. Even though this group is small it was nice not to be in the minority and it was the lone woman banished into the corner of the changing room instead of me. Next week though we will return to me saying 'Can I come out now?'

I was a bit worried to take the wee man out out after a 'minor' accident this morning which resulted in a black eye for the boy. Being a boy who can now climb he was attempting to get inside his box plastic toy box. Not knowing what friction is yet he hasn't realised that socks on shiny plastic means he will slide very quickly. This he did and he fell, smashing his eye on the side of the plastic box. There was of course that ominous silence and breath holding then he let rip and told me exactly how he felt. Poor little bugger.

Very quickly a bruise appeared which I don't think I can hide from The Chancellor even in soft light. Luckily it has reduced but he still looks like he has been boxing. I was waiting for 'those' looks today and I was ready to say 'He did it himself! He was playing! I'm not an abusive parent!' But luckily no looks came.

Anyway The Chancellor won't have time to question me under a lamp as she is off out to get horrendously drunk and come will come home in wee hours waking us all up. Wait...that sounds more like me. She will be home by ten after a couple of cocktails. But it will be a nice chance for her to see some of the other mummies again and they will moan that I'm not as fun as her and that they want her back. Sorry ladies you're stuck with me for another year at least.


jpr    

Woe Is Me

We're all over the place today at HQ. The wee man had another horrendous night, being awake from half eleven to half four with no sleep in the middle. After finally drifting off, he slept until about half nine this morning. He was not best of pleased when I decided to rouse him from his slumber and spent a good fifteen minutes telling me about it. Loudly.

The sight of The Chancellor and I looking exhausted and feeling worse has been common place recently and I for one am getting a dash pissed off. At the moment after various illnesses it seems to be one step forward two steps back and I would like just a bit of consistency. With the wee man sleeping in for so long our whole routine has now been whacked out of place and it takes a bit of time and patience to get back on track.

His lack of enthusiasm for our music group visit makes me think we have ANOTHER illness with us. It seems like we have only just gotten rid of the last one. But it was good to see, at the musical fun, the son of Funny Mummy back to his usual chirpy self after their impromtue visit to A&E. Maybe I shouldn't moan so much about my problems everyone has something going on themselves.

But on a bright note the Baby Centre blog got published today which made a hazy morning seem a bit brighter. It can be found at http://www.baby.co.uk/mum_stories/a-note-from-the-blushing-bloke-in-the-corner-3/ . It's not much different from this, just the language is a bit cleaner. Read and share if you can.

There is a smell that is suddenly putting me off slightly and I think it means someone needs a change of underwear. No the person isn't me but would I realise if it was? I'm so tired I probably wouldn't. Might go and check both of us, cheerio for now.


jpr

'It Says Romans Go Home'. 'No It Doesn't.'

With the wee man's first birthday peeking around the corner it was nice today to think, as we took our afternoon stroll, about what I was doing on this day a year ago. Unsurprisingly I couldn't remember.

'Wow that was a really good story' I can hear you saying to yourself. One of my better ones I think. But the point of me saying this is that apart from seeing The Smashing Pumpkins just before he was born I have no memories of the lead up to his birth. I have a couple of pictures of The Chancellor sitting on a giant ball but I don't remember taking them.

The abiding memory of the the day she went into labour was watching Monty Python's Life of Brian while we were sitting at home carefully plotting the long list of contractions. The Chancellor would be laughing quite heartily one minute then straining and breathing quickly the next as another contraction washed over her. Luckily The Chancellor shared my opinion that this was quite funny and it was all very surreal. If she hadn't have shared my sense of humour I might well have met my son with a black eye.

After going in hospital my memories start to blur and become a little hazy. And after mid-night of that night the memories just disappear. This is a shame and these memory lapses were one of the reasons I started the blog. I can at least go back in a years time and see exactly what I was doing. However with the ramblings of these blog posts I might not want to remember what I was doing, especially on those slow days.



jpr

P.S. Just a reminder I start my weekly blog on the Baby Centre UK website tomorrow if you are interested in reading more of my witterings. I don't blame you if you are washing your hair but if you can find the time it would make me quite happy. Thanks a lot. 

Time To Build A Castle

I'm a man of the edge! Well that's being a bit dramatic and in fairness it probably is The Chancellor whose on the edge. If she had an axe or a broad sword then she would chopped my head off last night. She is generally a very patient woman but with me wittering on and stressing about my new responsibilities with the new blog all night I think she might have been close to ending my life. It's the last thing she needs when she returns home after a long day at work is me having a bit of a meltdown. But a few problems had emerged with the first blog post including technical glitches with the uploading platform and like my son has done on many an occasion I got past myself. I think my nerves had taken over a wee bit and led me down a path of neurotic chatter and annoyance. I would have chopped my head off just to shut me up.

Anyway sorted. For now. So onto today. Well I would talk about today but it's one of those days when nothing is happening. The constant rain doesn't really get you enthused enough to venture outside. So I think it might be a day of fort building or assault course building  There are plenty of old boxes hanging around the house and I could probably muster up the energy to transport us to a world of castles and dragons. Of course it's all for me rather than the wee man who will just eat the boxes anyway. It will kill time before The Chancellor returns home if anything.

So off I go to pretend that I'm in Game of Thrones. We will be of course be Northerners from Winterfell. It will certainly be a boys afternoon of slaying dragons and Lanisters. I have already mustered up the necessary excitement and am now looking for foam from which to make a sword. All I need now is Sean Bean...

jpr