Pica Boo

You may remember, if you read this blog regularly  that I joked in one entry about the wee man probably having pica. Now if you're a parent you will know that all babies and young toddlers stick everything in their mouths, this is a given. As these things are passed from child to child it annoyingly leads to your children always being ill and you always being covered in a layer of slimy drool usually on a jumper that has just been washed or which is 'Clean on' as the The Chancellor says. 

Anyway what happens when you discover your child has taken a GIANT bite out of cardboard book or you find him eating cork from the back of a coaster. Is this just cute exploration of the world or have we got ourselves a bit of a problem? Am I going to have to incorporate electro-shock treatment into our daily routine? The major problem with this is that we are trying to save money on our energy bills and a sudden surge in electricity would get me into trouble with The Chancellor. 

Maybe I'm just over thinking it, maybe all children have a pica child inside of them. After all the Latin meaning of the word pica is magpie which is very apt for the wee man as he loves anything shiny or anything that any other baby has, bell, rattle toy etc. The thing that confuses me is that cardboard and cork aren't even tasty things even if you season them with salt and pepper and mixed herbs. He has turned his nose up once at salmon and lemon risotto which is vastly superior to cardboard and cork. Maybe he knows something I don't, maybe in a few years time we will all be eating cork. Seeing as we will all be screwed in a decade or so for food, maybe it would be a viable option? Maybe though I should just get out of the house more and stopping obsessing about cork.

jpr 

I Need a Hero...Oh I've Found One

As of this morning I have a new hero. His name will be Multi Dad. Last night Multi Dad's wife (Multi Mum) gave birth to their second set of twin girls. So now they have four children all under the age of two. If it were possible I would write this standing up as a tribute them.

I applaud you Multi Dad for not

a). having a nervous breakdown

b). running off and hiding in a cave somewhere (which is what I probably would have done)

or c). throwing in the towel and ending it all there and then.

You may think I'm diminishing Multi Mum's role in all this but as this blog is from a man's point of view I will focus on Multi Dad. But well done Multi Mum. I have no experience of giving birth to anything except passing a large poo but I've watched birth and it looked pretty hardcore so two is extra impressive.

Anyway whenever I feel stressed now or worried about the wee man I will think about Multi Dad and what he must be going through with four children. Newborns are strange little creatures who seem so fragile and incapable of anything other than primitive acts. The idea of going back and doing it all again even with another one makes me feel tired. But to do it with two newborns and two who are eighteen months old is just beyond the realms of what I can comprehend. In Thus Spoke Zarathustra Nietzsche spoke of the Ubermenscsh which translates loosely as the Super Man or Above Human. Multi Dad you are now indeed Above Human and all I can say is well done good luck and I hope you have a good range of single malt whiskys available to you.


jpr

There Is a Job Going As My PA

There are a great many days and weeks, like I have spoken often of in this blog, which are so boring you want to hit your head off of a door frame in a hope of sparking some flame of imagination. You eek out any job you do no matter how mundane or short it is. There is a wonderful scene in the TV show Friends where Ross is on sabbatical and Joey asks him what he has done today. Ross reels off five things he has done and Joey laughs and claims that would be a weeks worth of jobs for him. Anyone who has had a period of not working will understand this. Today on the other hand has been so busy I'm only just getting lunch and it's half past four in the afternoon.

Jobs to be done in the morning, lunch with a friend and then swimming. But that's not all my blog reading friends, I am even going to be uber social tonight and am going out with other Dads. We aim to talk like men do but will no doubt quickly take the conversations back to our children very quickly. Always seems to be the way.  So tomorrow I will be hungover and tired after a long week and will no doubt get no sympathy from The Chancellor. However I have been promised two hours of unadulterated alone time this weekend and before you say it it does not involve naked woman, either in person or on screen. More than likely I will clean some rooms and I might just might be able to do The Guardian quick crossword but that might have to wait until later in the night or when the call of duty calls.

Also as it's Friday it would only be right to share that the wee man has learnt how to dance and shake his hips. This is very endearing to watch but he is a long way off being as good me and my one dance move. He could out dance most revelers in the clubs of Newcastle if we could bring him out but that wouldn't be difficult with some of the people who go out on Friday night. Until tomorrow.


jpr

Something Different

Something a little bit different today if you can indulge me.

I was informed yesterday evening of the death of an old friend. Sad news as our two families had been close ever since I can remember and we as friends had lived in each others pockets for a good decade. He died while travelling abroad of a suspected heart attack, which is very strange as he was still a young man, he was only months older than myself. It had been a number of months since we last spoke as life and time invariably takes you off in all sorts of different directions. But I can imagine picking up right where we left off.

It's amazing what you can remember from your youth, houses, gardens specific moments in time and you forget actually how old you are. This may sound strange but you tend to live only in the present and maybe in the last couple of years and you forget there was a whole life before the present that has shaped you to become what you are now. I don't have to think too hard to remember a decade ago and further back maybe two decades, the exact places and times I first heard a certain album or what I wore or the first place I smoked and exactly how I felt. The memories are still there they are just under a bit of dust that needs to be blown away. There are a lot of memories of this friend that have come back to me since yesterday. I challenge you today to think of something or someone you might have forgotten, if you concentrate hard enough it's amazing what comes back to you. I hope to travel north to Edinburgh for the funeral this weekend and pay my respects to his parents who were like a second set of parents to me at one point in time.

Anyway sorry for the not writing the usual load of nonsense, normal service will be resumed tomorrow.


jpr

Doctor, Doctor My Wife Is Sick...

Today I have a very ill Chancellor at home with me. It took a Herculean effort from myself to get her to stay off for the day. She is a slave to a perfect record of attendance and is a true hero, so when she is loosing her voice and sounds like an elderly Geordie man there is something wrong. She has just reminded me that she hasn't had a day off sick for four years. True hero. This all means that today I have another person to look after today, luckily The Chancellor doesn't need a nappy change nor does she throw up on my shoulder and trousers. Silver lining and all that.

I am popping out though this afternoon going with Funny Mummy's husband to a soft play area and will leave her filled with horrible mucus and a sense of self pity. Seeing however as she is a stickler to doing jobs and never being able to sit still the house will probably be cleaned from top to bottom before I come back. The wee man and I will also have to be sneaky in watching our favorite afternoon programme. We will ship The Chancellor off to the bedroom with a big smile and lemsip just before our lovely lady appears on TV. We can't miss her even for one day... Again, sorry, I'm digressing.

The Chancellor will get some cracking home care, as good as anything you would find in the NHS, which obviously translates to waiting half an hour for a glass of water and wading through loads of beaucracy in order to get a biscuit. She is a lucky lady. Maybe just maybe I will stretch to rubbing her feet but there will be paper work involved and the promise of getting something in return probably money or wine. Again she is a lucky lady. Get well soon love.


jpr

Musical Madness

If you put nearly thirty children plus parents into a very small room what do you think happens? Madness occurs for a good hour, that is what happens. Today I have been along with my friend, I will call her Funny Mummy (Funny haha not 'Hey look over there! That woman is really funny looking' kind of funny) to a new musical group. It was pretty over subscribed and I got to know the people around me quite intimately as we were squeezed in like sardines. From the first minute the wee man is on it, bopping up and down and flirting with the various mothers around him. He gives this look of 'Hi ladies how's it going?', in his mind he probably sounds like Barry White and follows the line with a wink. You may think I'm daft but he is seriously smooth. Well he was until he started sticking his tongue out and attempted to lick everything.

But fun was had by all even Funny Mummy who has not slept much in recent days and is one bad cup of tea away from killing someone. We are there for you but if you leave your child with me for the afternoon you must sign a legal document that says you will come back and collect your child because I can't handle two children. I can barely manage one.

Sometimes the louder and crazier the group is the better and it gets out all those angry feelings you have been feeling in the days before. Also the woman who ran this specific group today was very funny and very cheerful which is quite infectious. The wee man has certainly woken up in a better mood. And as I write he is standing, shouting and smiling at a rather lovely TV presenter who pulls letters from a wall (If you're in the UK you know what I mean). She is rather lovely and looks great today...... Anyway I digress...What was I saying? Something about children?


jpr

Stairway To Accident and Emergency

There is always something. Something that can mame or kill or which can be broken. But I suppose if you are a neurotic parent then EVERYTHING can mame, kill or be broken even bubbles. The Chancellor is fairly neurotic and sees the many many hazards in life even if they don't exist yet. She is the holistic mother, if you will. However there are some hazards that even I agree seem terrible. 

The next thing, that we realised this weekend, that has had to be added to the long and laborious list of things that are dangerous are stairs. We have been lucky in the respect that we live in a downstairs flat which has no stairs so the wee man has never encountered them before. So it was all very new to us too and we stood hesitantly behind him as he sat at the bottom of my parents stairs looking wistfully up in the distance. It came as no real surprise, as he has no fear, when he began climbing, at first slowly and then fairly quickly as on his second attempt he reached halfway. Once the technique was down there was no stopping him. Every now and again he would stop turn and grin knowing he was doing something profoundly brilliant. And it was brilliant but  it is very scary how mobile and strong he has become in such a short period of time.

He is now going to be known as Edmund Hillary and I can be his Tenzig Norgay and we together can scale the many heights ahead but it won't be long before he out runs me very quickly. In a different age I would be packing him off into a giant ship encouraging him to discover new continents. For now he can roam his Grandparents house which is probably like a brave new world for him anyway.


jpr