Monday, 31 December 2012

The Last Really Crap Parenting Moment Of The Year

As we nose dive towards the end of the year, what better way to end than to tell you all of what I hope is the final crap parenting moment of the year. But seeing as there are thirteen hours remaining in the day I'm not holding my breath but you never know I might get lucky.

I take partial blame for last night but The Chancellor will claim that I should take full responsibility. In my haste to play my new football computer game that had arrived while we were away on holiday, I decided to put forward the wee man's routine by half an hour. I was filled with such childish glee at my new game that I might have, possibly could have, almost certainly neglected to put a nappy on the wee man before I put him to bed. To use a football analogy, I took my eye off the ball.

Things were going swimmingly, I got some game time, ate a pizza and then fell asleep happily thinking of tactics. Then at three in the morning after The Chancellor went to settle him after he woke up, she came back in the bedroom claiming he had wet himself. Do our nappies not claim to be dry for 12 hours? Has he pissed that much? The poor little man had indeed wet himself and was soaking wet all over. As we undressed him it became apparent that he was alas not wearing a nappy and the finger of blame swung round and smacked me square in the face. How long he had been sleeping soaking wet I don't know but I really did feel bad for him.

He didn't seem to mind somehow and saw it as an excuse to run around the house nude while sucking on a dummy at three in the morning. The only saving grace is that he didn't have a crap, I don't dare think of the mess that would have left.

After midnight tonight I will have a clean slate that I can fill up again with rubbish parenting. Bring it on 2013, bring it on.


Sunday, 30 December 2012

Be Careful What You Say

One man, a wee bairn and The Chancellor have made it home from festive gatherings with one man feeling slightly worse for wares after numerous days of Christmas drinking. A detox is now in force well before most other people feel guilty for their excesses and dash towards their nearest gym. Not to say I will be going to the gym but a decrease in wine consumption and a move to low fat butter may be the first measures to be implemented. Like all other people who attempt to give up all the things they like in an effort to feel good, I'm not sure how long I will last. Attempt though I must, I need to be a good example for the wee man.

Something that doesn't need any dieting is the wee man's constant and speedy development which is becoming something of a delight for us. This phase in his life seems, so far, to be the phase which has seen the most change in personality, intelligence and appearance. The Chancellor is all excited as he is now giving hugs out to anyone who wants one, which is somewhat dangerous but as he hugs his mum she is OK with this.  

As he is now copying us and starting to talk we have to watch ourselves and make sure we don't say any rude words in front of him. I need take some words out of my day to day vocabulary and I need to stop telling him how lovely Rachel Riley is or he will grow up thinking that The Chancellor is just my housemate rather than my wife.

One story from someone we know was about a child who every time he took a step down the stairs said "For fuck sake" and the same child who whenever he dropped something off his high chair said "Shit". We must watch our words or social judgement will be severe. Another story was from a friend of my family who said her son starting saying he was putting on his "Sodding shoes" after the mother kept asking him to put on his sodding shoes in frustration. Very funny but scary but mostly funny.


Saturday, 29 December 2012

The Good, The Bad And The Tantrums

Apologies if you have logged on and found nothing new on this blog. I had lots of excuses lined up as to why I couldn't write one today but none of them sounded good or real and in truth I totally forgot. But as I'm a slave now to it I scurried down stairs in my parent's house too turn on the internet so I could write something, anything.

As we head back home tomorrow the wee man returns with a few new tricks and abilities under his utility belt. Like Batman, when the time is right he uses them to wonderful affect.

There is the good-turning around to get off the bed legs first.

The bad- continually trying to get his hands on his grandad's blue ray player and hitting it hard with a plastic fish.

And finally the ugly- tantruming very loudly when remote controls are taken off him.

The tantruming is something that seems to happening with more frequency. I need him to know that one doesn't tantrum when faced with annoyance or adversity. I don't think Bruce Wayne tantrums or any other super hero, apart from the Hulk. The less of Christiano Ronaldo he sees the better.

The fish and the blue ray is mildly funny, as it pisses off my dad and cheers my mum up as she doesn't like the machine, especially the surround sound.

Oh the politics of Christmas and the boyishness of the wee man have made for a fun trip. Newcastle and a return to normality awaits.


Friday, 28 December 2012

The Most Amazing Soft Play In The History Of Soft Play

The wee man today has experienced soft play on an all new level. We visited along with our friends, blond friend and Latin lover friend, what can only be described as the cathedral of soft play. We stood amazed at the size of the place as it rose nine or ten levels into the rafters. We suddenly felt very insignificant compared to the awesome power and size of the giant soft play. The extra size though meant more loud and sugared-up children who bombed around trampling the wee man. But he is tough and held his own very well.

It didn't help that we chose perhaps the worst day of the year to go and also worst time of the day. We even had to wait for twenty before we were allowed to enter the fray. The wee man despite having man flu and being only one ran around until he had no more run around in him and eventually collapsed on me as we all had a very nice civilized lunch away from crazed children in a nice bar.

In a completely unrelated topic the wee man spoke his first real word yesterday. He has in the past said dada and mumma and egg but in all those occasions he hasn't been aware of what he was saying. Yesterday while stroking The Chancellor's mum's dog he said 'dog' and then 'doggy'. And then when shown a Guinea pig he said dog again but seeing as the Guinea pig in question is the size of a small dog then you can see why he thought it was a dog. A very proud moment for us both and it was a shame I missed it.

I am now trying to get him to say 'Daddy is the best' and 'Mummy smells' but he doesn't seem interested in expanding his English language. It will come though and I imagine once he does start talking there will be no shutting him up and then I will have why? why? why? why? why? why? what's this? why? Can I watch TV? Why not? why not? why not?


Thursday, 27 December 2012

Space, Time, A Burger And A Beer

I have spent today reliving old haunts and memories, none of which had anything to do with childcare or parenting. To say it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders is an understatement. But what did I talk most about when I have a day off my parental duties? Naturally the wee man.

I met with a very old and good friend today for a burger and a beer with The Chancellor taking the wee man out to her mum's house for the day. This date has been in my calender for a while and for a long time I have wondering what to do with this liberation time.

Should I go to the cinema by myself? Too lonely.

Should I go to strip bar? Too expensive.

Should I go and sit on top of a hill staring longingly out across the landscape? Too cold and far too pretentious (though something I like to do).

I settled for an afternoon in the pub with great company. We sat reminiscing of old school times and wondering how we were now married with a child or engaged to be married. We seemed like the two same people who used to hang out together but a decade and a bit later. Time, especially with a child, seems to have accelerated and as Ferris Bueller says "Life move pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

It was nice taking a walk through places I used to hangout and remember as a teenager, sneaking a beer behind a building or buying (underage) a packet of cigarettes. I enjoyed the nostalgia but it made me think of how much I would rather look after the wee man than go out and spend a fortune on a hangover. Oh how times have changed...


Wednesday, 26 December 2012

A Fat Lip On Boxing Day

What happens when a toddler runs full pelt into a table? He bleeds that's what he does. The wee man attempting to prove he is world's hardest toddler, now has a fat lip for his troubles and his new Christmas jumper is sat in a bucket of water soaking in an attempt to remove blood. The Chancellor did feel bad as she was the parent on duty and she now knows how I feel when she comes home to find the wee man has acquired a new bruise. I was however amazed how much blood there was on the jumper seeing how small he is so it must have been a pretty big hit. In the background as I write the wee man has just forgotten how to walk and has fallen face first with power onto the wooden floor with a very loud thud. As you would imagine he is crying quite loudly. He has struggled today, maybe he's still drunk from yesterday...

The Chancellor is now calming him with a small pop-up book of Italian animals. To clarify it's animals in Italian rather than animals in Italy. Though a marmot and beaver aren't the first animals that spring to mind when teaching youngsters the joys of the animal world. He is now dancing to obscure opera which is somewhat endearing.

He hasn't covered himself  in glory this week giving The Chancellor and I two hours sleep on Christmas eve night. He either was so excited about Santa coming or he saw Santa and has now been scarred for the rest of his life. Probably the latter, I did warn him about prowlers and fat men coming through his bedroom window. After such an awful night Christmas cheer took a while to build up yesterday but after a few glasses of Australian wine I cheered up. And with hundreds of new toys at his disposal the wee man cheered up too.

I hope tomorrow may be easier for us and as it's my day off I no doubt will have an easier time of it than The Chancellor. As I have arranged a trip to the pub with an old friend I dare say I will.


Tuesday, 25 December 2012

I Have To Unbutton My Trouser To Achieve Comfort

One man has finally dragged himself off the sofa after an afternoon of food, wine and presents to write something profound. But seeing as I have had to unbutton my trousers to reach anything resembling comfort I will make this short. Tomorrow I will fill you in with more stories but until then it is safe to say wee man got more than a few presents today, most of which play music to send me berserk. Until then look at some pictures, don't worry none of them are of Rachel Riley.

Wee man in a bag.

Wee man not so happy about being in a bag.

Also in a side note the wee man's godparents were expecting their second child and this morning, yes Christmas day, he arrived. So well done to them and their little baby Jesus.

Merry Christmas y'all.


Monday, 24 December 2012

It's Christmas Eve, Somehow.

Is there anybody else out there thinking to themselves how the hell is it Christmas Eve already? Nursing a cocktail hangover after festivities with our friends; blond haired friend, very tall friend, Latin lover friend and recently married friend, I'm struggling to believe that it is Christmas Day tomorrow. Maybe it's the lingering liqueur talking but I'm prepared to detox today in a bid to find out either way. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas? Not sure about that.

The wee man is the real winner this Christmas, as he will be for a few years to come, and after drinks last night we returned delivering bags full of gifts from the girls. One of which, from 'Latin lover' friend, is much bigger than he is in height and I'm very intrigued to know what's in it. There is more of a childish excitement from me at knowing what's in the large bag than there is from the wee man. He is one lucky boy and are friends are very generous with him, so if you are reading this then thank you.

It's a shame no one spoils me anymore but I realise that when you get over a certain age people stop buying you gifts. It makes you want to be a child again, waking up on Christmas morning to the possibility of loads of presents waiting for you. Now you more more than likely wake up with a hangover and a desperate need to sleep and/or vomit. Sad times but a transition that all people must go through.

If you feel need the need to send me something here at One Man HQ in return for reading over 100 blog posts then message me for the relevant addresses, cash or a blank cheque will be the most warmly recieved by me and will warrant you an honorable mention in this wonderful blog or if you're lucky a picture. Also if you want to recieve a signed picture of me for Christmas then send a self addressed envelope to me and one shall come in time for next Christmas, if I can get round to it.

Remember kids prowling, breaking and entering are illegal so if you see Santa in your home arm yourself and show him whose the boss!



Sunday, 23 December 2012

What Do Families Do At Christmas?

I have spoken before about how when you’re away from home you don’t worry about how much you drink or eat you just gorge yourself on whatever you can get your hands on. The guilt evaporates especially over the Christmas period and you look at your large belly and kid yourself it will vanish come the New Year. How many people start diets as soon as Christmas is over? I think you know the answer to that. How many succeed? Well I think your know the answer to that too.

The Chancellor and I are due to go out for drinks with friends in an hour or so and to say I feel rather rotund after an afternoon of food and drink is an understatement. I had free reign over multiple bottles of wine with a visit from my godfather who is known along with my dad and I to devour as much wine as possible while discussing obscure opera. I chime in a bit with the opera but lack the twenty to thirty years experience but I can keep up with them with the wine and food. However after all is said and done I feel rubbish because it’s still early in the night and I know a hangover might kick in early. Think of it as an early Christmas present. My father and I have vowed to detox tomorrow for Christmas Eve and hit it hard again on Christmas day, much to the anger of my Mother.

The Chancellor during all this still feels like crap and still likes to tell me she feels like crap, like I can do something about it. The wee man on the other hand is running my parent’s place like a lunatic trying to eat various bits of Christmas paraphernalia and my Dad’s blue ray box, much to the anger my Dad. He (the wee man) has also managed to programme various timers on the TV by pressing random buttons on the remote, again much to my Dad’s anger. A standard Christmas I’m guessing. 


Saturday, 22 December 2012

The Mayans Never Saw The North Of England

Christmas travelling is nothing short of chaotic but the only thing to rival it is last minute shopping on the Saturday three days before Christmas. Unfortunately today we had to do both and both were horrible. People change in these situations especially in supermarkets where they charge around with their heads down lacking any sort of manners or Christmas spirit (not like I have any but still).

The Mayans had predicted that the end of the world was due this week but if you had had the joy of travelling through the northern part of the UK today you would have thought that it had happened. Rain pelted down apocalypticaly making it almost impossible to see the car in front. When you are driving at 80 mph that makes life quite difficult. The wind blew across the car almost blowing us the east coast of America. I was expecting the leaden sky in front of us to open up and a giant Monty Python foot would drop down squashing us all while making a raspberry noise. If that is how we are going to go it would be quite a funny way to go. I would be content with that.

We eventually made it down to my parent's house only to be told by The Chancellor that we need to go out and buy some last minute gifts. Sigh. But I put on a brave face and hummed Christmas songs as The Chancellor bimbled around trying to pick between what looked like the same product just in different packaging. Sigh.There are some things that you shouldn't have to do and one of them is last minute Christmas shopping. Never again.

We are now finally finished and I can write this and eat chocolate treats in peace, looking forward to a warming stew and good wine tonight. Tomorrow I hope will be better times and I can avoid all retail outlets.


Friday, 21 December 2012

Looking After A Dying Oligarch

Christmas has come a day early to us at One Man HQ, well for me more than the others. This is because The Chancellor is ill. Before you shout out me for being a monster at saying this hear me out.

I have spoken before that if The Chancellor stays off work you know something is wrong as she is a stickler for a perfect record and feels guilty even if she unable to stand. It might sound cruel that I'm happy she's ill but I'm only happy because I've had someone to talk to today and have had some help with the wee man. Today was my last day of filling the boredom but as she rolled over in bed this morning and croaked that she wasn't going in to work I cheekily smiled to myself. To paint myself in a better light I have looked after to her today bringing her tea and cake and not at all talking of Rachel Riley and not being able to see her for a few months. She naturally feels rubbish as it's so close to Christmas but on the plus side she has managed to spend an extra day with the wee man and her loving husband which she loves doing tolerates doing.

So tomorrow along with the good percentage of the population we hit the motorways where I imagine we will be stuck in traffic for a good proportion of the day. Christmas tidings indeed. But once we hit our destination then it's Grand-parenting childcare all the way and that's nothing to be scoffed at believe you me.The five hours stuck in tedious traffic will be worth it.

Look how excited or crazed the wee man looks for Christmas. He actually looks quite scary here but super excited none the less.


Thursday, 20 December 2012

Tomorrow I say Goodbye To Rachel Riley For A While

Tomorrow is going to be bittersweet day for myself and the wee man. On the upside it is the final day of what has been a desperate week of looking for things to do. To say I've been rubbish at finding things to do is an understatement  Today we were kindly reprieved from our madness and were invited round to Scottish Mummy's house where she had prepared a lovely soup that warmed us from a horrid day in the North East of England. With visits to family after the wee man and I manged to stay out until just before four in the afternoon and now we just have to wait out one more day until freedom for a while.

But tomorrow will also be sad as it's the last in the current series of Countdown and therefore we won't be seeing Rachel Riley for a while. Now I know I often to speak of Rachel and you must think I'm some kind of sex pest but I'm not, she's just lovely. (Disclaimer* She's not as nice as The Chancellor) But she Countdown has become such a staple of our afternoons that is will be sad to see her off mys screen for a while. So I say so long Rachel I hope Channel 4 commissions a news series soon. Please. Here she is. Lovely. On the plus side you won't have to hear me wittering on about her.

                                                                                  Flickr: Living it Loving it Ltd

So one more day. And I actually have things planned so hopefully it will be a breeze. Hopefully. Then it's a week and a half of bliss, childcare, silence and a whole day off to myself a week today! Merry Christmas Jamie.


Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Filling The Void Part 2

First off today the usual Wednesday load of housekeeping. If you go to you will read my inaugural Christmas message on Baby Centre. It is somewhat different from the Queen's but just as important.

I hear you asking 'What are your opening hours over the festive period?' Well much like my local corner shop I will be open for business all through Christmas though depending on how much I drink during my family's Christmas meal I may not make it to the laptop for a Christmas day blog post. We'll play that one by ear. Also there is a Baby Centre blog due out of boxing day but I'm not sure who will be on Baby Centre on boxing day but if you are then please read.

So today, like yesterday, has been about filling time until Saturday and we go on holiday for Christmas. There is a lot of time I must fill and so far I'm not doing very well at being imaginative. It just shows how reliant I have been on baby groups and social gatherings. The wee man in part has been entertained by my attempts to impersonate animals and sing him songs but his attention quickly wains and he goes back to what ever it was he was doing.

He's had enough of my antics and has given up on me, deciding instead that sleep is a better option to his dad being foolish. I don't blame him. Maybe he will wake up with an idea of what he wants to do, all set out in a colour co-ordinated flow chart or pie chart. He would probably have better ideas to me, but as I am heading towards my winter break and hibernation I should be let off after exhausting all my ideas in the past five months.

A whimper from the next room means he is ready to give me his presentation, I hope he has good ideas.


Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Filling The Void

If you walk around any family-friendly area this week you will probably see lots of parents looking lost and in desperate need of something to do. Including me. This week all classes I go to have finished for Christmas. This is very inconvenient as now I have nothing to do and The Chancellor is still at work until Friday. Obviously I could stay at home and look lovingly at my child or do some baking but I'm not doing either of those things as they're really boring and the wee man eats his own shoes and that's not fun to watch.

Today I was saved by my cousin's partner who came over and joined the wee man and I on a trip to the local soft play area. We killed a good three hours with coffee and a walk and a drive. Is this starting to sound like we went on a date..? Anyway it got the wee man and I out of the house for a while which is exactly what we needed. And tomorrow we start again with trying to find things to do which won't cost me the earth.

So here are some things we could do and how they score;

  1. Talk to foxy mums- Could be dangerous but as the wee man is so cute it's a fairly easy thing to do. A solid 4/5.
  2. Watch CBeebies or The West Wing all day- Bad parenting but educational and very well written (West Wing). CBeebies gets 2.5/5 and The West Wing 5/5. My parenting 0/5.
  3. Go and bet on the horses- This could go either way and either make me money or lose me a lot of money. Also this could lead to a gambling problem for me or the wee man and then I will be shouted at. A dismal 1/5.
  4. Go to the library- Easy, free and will gain me good will points from The Chancellor. A winner with 5/5.
So the winner is? Foxy mums of course. OK maybe not but if they're at the library then that works too. I will let you know tomorrow.


Monday, 17 December 2012

My Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I fear I have left it too late for Royal Mail to deliver you my letter for Christmas this year. Never the less if I put a load of 1st Class stamps on it and slip the postman a tenner then you may get it. I have to be honest I don't believe in you and really never have, ever since I was young and heard my parents wrapping my presents. But in an infinite space there are naturally an infinite number of possibilities so somewhere it is finitely probable that you exist and you're not just some fat drunk in a smelly suit or some marketing ploy from Coca-Cola. 

I realise that I should use this time to ask for what I want for Christmas rather than ponder the deep mysteries of our universe and the possibilities of multiple universes. So here goes.

  1. 12 hours sleep every night for at least a year followed by a few more years.
  2. Peace and quiet. This is quite a general thing to ask for. But at least give me the time to be able to finish the crossword in the bath.
  3. The person who stole my car wing mirror last week to fall foul of some horrible affliction. Don't mind what it is but make it bad as they have cost me £80 and a lot of tedious mucking around.
  4. Cold hard cash. I don't want to seem greedy but a sum of around £10,000 should suffice.
  5. And finally good cheer and peace to all men yada yada yada.
I understand that some of these things I ask for might involve robbing a bank or actually assault towards another human being, so just make sure you don't get caught. If you do get caught it would blow the whole illusion of you being a jolly fellow. 

I can hand on heart tell you Mr Claus that I have been a good boy this year apart from things The Chancellor doesn't know about. I hope you and your wife enjoy your roast venison this yule tide.

Yours in constant cynicism,


Sunday, 16 December 2012

8 children + 16 parents + lots of party food + a soft play area = ?

8 children + 16 parents + lots of party food + a soft play area = ?

Well it equals a fun but tiring day. Last night I did the miraculous thing of coming home early from a night out with former work colleagues. Now that I have been injected with a micro chip that makes me want to spend time with my family rather than get drunk, I decided at ten o'clock that enough was enough and made my way home, mostly sober and with a bit of money left. To say The Chancellor was surprised to see me home at this hour is an understatement. But home I was and even back in time to watch the football highlights. Good times.

In hindsight this was a great thing to do as if I had had a hangover today the equation might have looked something like this.

8 loud and annoying children + 16 loud and annoying parents + I'm very tired + I feel sick + sleeping in the soft play area + people being mean to me for being hungover = The Chancellor shouting at me and giving me no sympathy.

So there were smiles all round that this didn't happen. And seeing all the wee man's little friends celebrate their first birthdays was great fun. Next year might be a slightly different scenario as they may well be going through the terrible twos and 8 babies having tantrums won't be fun. 

Until then we will revel in them being small and not being able to answer back. Though I'm not sure how long this will last. 


Saturday, 15 December 2012

The 100th post

So we here at HQ have reached the illustrious number of 100 blog posts. To be fair I expected more of the day than ripping apart a small section of my bathroom. I had mentioned some time ago to some people including The Chancellor and Funny Mummy that I wanted to do work on a new bathroom myself and was greeted with heckles and rotten fruit. But despite not owning a tool box or many tools, today I found some testosterone in the bottom of a cupboard and began work with my trusty lonesome hammer. Who needs loads of tools when you have your wits about you and you have a small hammer. Now though there is a giant hole in the bathroom which will be filled at a later date, maybe when I buy some tools.

Anyway as 100 post have gone by it would be good of me to say a few words about the stars of the show. The wee man and The Chancellor both of whom in their own little way make life bearable and who also make me want to sit alone in the bathroom for a few hours sobbing into a picture of me before I had children. I occasionally look at old pictures and think to myself 'bloody hell I looked good.' Maybe not good but relaxed and I had no bags under my eyes and there is a smile on my face.

Since I have taken over this role I can't describe how much I have changed. Not only have I become a quintessential housewife but I have gained an excellent bond with the wee man and despite moaning on here I do actually enjoy being a stay-at-home-dad but I am just generally a miserable git.

Finally before I sound like a melodramatic teenage girl from a teen movie who cries a lot, I want to say a big thank you to all my friends who help me day to day and baby group to baby group, you all know who you are. Blub blub blub blub blub. 'He doesn't love me!' blub blub blub blub.

I'm all man...really.


Friday, 14 December 2012

The 99th Post

As it's Friday chirpiness abounds at One Man HQ. The Chancellor is home early and I have officially clocked off for the day. If the wee man tries to get my attention I will just pretend to be a bit of furniture until he goes away.

We have a lot to look forward to this weekend, including my weekly Saturday lie in and my former work's night out. Naturally this will be messy and I have already penciled in Sunday to be a day of eating and sofa relaxing. But I have been reminded that on Sunday we have our NCT baby birthday party. 8 couples and babies, including us, are off to a soft play to get totally smashed eat cheese sandwiches and drink fizzy pop (not babies though). This for me may well be awful great fun with a hangover. You never know though I might have a quiet night and be home before ten. But as the last few old work's nights out nights out have taught me walking home four or five miles isn't the best thing to do at three in the morning.

Though in seriousness it will be great fun as we know each others babies very well and all parents get on well. As with NCT you just pay to buy some nice middle class friends, so we did very well as they are all very nice. If you are an avid reader of this blog, the group includes, Funny Mummy, Scottish Mummy and Irish Mummy.

Seeing as I will be too tired to write on Sunday, you may my dear readers, be lucky to get some pictures of this party on the blog. If you are even luckier then you may get a picture of The Chancellor but that might be pushing it. Also tomorrow will be a special day as One Man and a Wee Bairn celebrates it's 100th post! I am well know for having trouble following through with things so I'm impressed I've kept it going for that long. Only another 265 days left!


Thursday, 13 December 2012

Smooth Operators

Today is my long day of the week. The Chancellor is out for the night straight from work for her work's Christmas piss up. I successfully managed to stay out from just before ten through till half three by various means and ways. 

After a music group and a nice meal with Funny Mummy and Funny Daddy and their wee tot I went off to a soft play to kill an hour or so. This was all very nice until two older boys, maybe two years old, who had been so poorly raised started throwing stuff at the wee man and I. At first I politely told them to stop. Then after a while my patience wore thin I told them firmly to bugger off. They didn't annoy us again. 

Their parents weren't watching and they let their kids tear round the place throwing stuff, standing on tables and generally being little shits. But despite being surrounded by monsters we stayed for an hour or so and the wee man stole the show with some foxy mums who also thought it was adorable that I was a stay at home dad. We're smooth operators my son and I.

As I watched older children bomb around the place I thought this is a vision of my future. The wee man has only recently started to need exercise to ware him out for the end of the day. I dread the time when he needs a good few hours to have him sleepy for the end of the day.

Tonight though the wee man is knackered already after our activities and we still have an hour and a half before bath time. To be fair so am I, it's a hard life being a house husband. 

Onto the next job.


Wednesday, 12 December 2012

So Long Sensory

End of an era stuff today as baby sensory came to an end. This group has been the cornerstone of all our weeks as The Chancellor took him when he was only a young tot and I've been taking him for about five months now. It's a group we have all enjoyed and after the class is the only time I get an hour to have a coffee in peace as he naps for a good hour. So farewell to baby sensory and hello toddler sense starting in the new year.

But the wee man was staring to look a bit out of place as today he spent most of the day walking around standing on little babies' feet. Also he has learnt to walk very quickly, a speed that rivals Usain Bolt and the other Jamaican guy who does the impression of an animal, sorry can't remember his name.

Two weeks ago at the same group he pulled over a young girl by her dribble bib so she fell to the floor. We made a quick exit before the mother of the girl could collar the wee man for assault. I don't want him to get a reputation as a bully and then we get banned from these groups. Gossip travels quickly in our groups.

The other bit of notable news is that at the age of nearly thirteen months he has started swiping things like I do with my tablet. This is terrifying and says one of two things; the wee man is very smart (which he is) or I spend far too much time bimbling around on my tablet. I admit that I have a part to play in this but he is super smart too. He tries to swipe our digital camera screen and anything that shines back at him. He will certainly be a child of his generation, no question.

Right as I'm the house maid and cook and nanny I'm off the cook dinner and then maybe sit down. It's a hard life.


Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Solitary Confinement

Tonight I have hidden myself away from the family in a vain attempt to get some peace and quiet and to do an enormous amount of writing. Enormous may be pushing it but it still is taking up a good deal of my free time. Though what else would I be doing, washing up? Done already. Setting the wee man's bedtime stuff out? Done already. How efficient am I?

Anyway with the yule tide upon us Baby Centre want me to submit posts for weeks in advance which is quite annoying as I have nothing to say weeks in advance. Well actually I have plenty to say but those things are about football and obscure music genres, two topics that aren't really appropriate or of interest to Baby Centre.

I have three out of four blogs written including tomorrow's but like that bogey you just can't reach (sorry but a good analogy) I can't quite get around to doing the last one. Something always comes up like eating or childcare or Angry Birds Star Wars. Hence why tonight I have incarcerated myself in the front room with a pot of coffee and some inspirational music to get the job done. But as I write this and the other blogs I have a million tabs open all with stupid things running. Do I really need to be on Amazon looking for a new mp3 player or my next phone? Probably not, plus as I have no money this seems like a very pointless exercise. Sky Sports News?

No. I will close down all useless tabs that are no way relevant to blogging about children or parenting and I will finish this post haste as I have to make dinner too. Too much to do and not enough hours. I can't remember what I did before children. What the hell did I do with my time and money? I must have spent hours and hours twiddling my thumbs, it would be quite nice to have some of that time back.


Monday, 10 December 2012

Alien Resurrection Is The Worst Of The Four Films

Today has been long. The Chancellor was up at half five to catch a train to Leeds for a work related day out. She gave me a nudge at nearly half six, waking me from a scary dream after watching Alien Resurrection last night, to tell me she was leaving. This was not welcomed but seeing as I was fleeing from space monsters I forgave her. Last time I eat cheese and watch late night sci-fi horror films.

In a daze I murmured something to the tune of 'Piss off and leave me alone' 'I love you and and have fun' and rolled over all warm and cosy in bed. Ten minutes later the wee man decided that with it still being dark he would wake up. Yay for me. She didn't return home until just before seven. Again yay for me.

So as I said at the top, long day. I can't however complain as some parents I know, including Funny Mummy, have to go long periods of doing everything by themselves as their husbands work strange shift patterns or travel for work. Plus Multi-Mum and Multi-Dad. Can't forget them. But I'm still allowed to moan and to ease my weary joints and head I've demolished half a packet of Jaffa Cakes. If the wee man wakes in the night tonight he might hearing from me 'Piss off and leave me alone' 'Piss off and leave me alone.'

The Chancellor, that wily old fox, skillfully told me that she would be going out on Thursday straight from work to get really drunk on her work night out. So another long day awaits. I feel like a hardworking housewife, with my cooking, childcare, washing up etc etc. Violins in the background. If you feel it necessary to cry for me that's fine. I'm sure I will be moaning about another long day in Thursday's blog.

Right I'm going to bed.


Sunday, 9 December 2012

A Visit To Our Heroes

You will be glad to know that today there has been no mould or no dust in my life. I discovered that spending the day around damp, dust and strong cleaning products your lungs take a bit of a beating and I spent last night moaning about how I couldn't breath. So what's the best way to combat this? Go for a walk along the North East coastline in December. The walk seems to have cleared my lungs a bit.

We took a drive today to see our friends Multi-Mum and Multi-Dad. Along with their mega buggies and our single one we trooped along the the boardwalk as winds pounded our face and with us wondering why we live in such a cold place.

If you are new to this blog then Multi-Mum and Multi-Dad are our heroes. They have two sets of twins all under the age of two. Whenever we see them we come away saying we will never moan about having one child ever again. To say they are doing a great job is an understatement. I'm not sure I would look as good as they do if I had four children to look after. So whenever I tell The Chancellor we are having no more children I now mean we are having no more children. I saw on more than one occaision a glint in her eye as she held the newborns in her arms, romanticising what the wee man was like a the twin's age. I had to remind her that he wasn't that nice and cried most of time sending us both insane. I told The Chancellor not to have any ideas but Multi-Mum tapped me on the leg and gave me a look that basically said 'You'll be having more no matter what you say.' But I am the man of the house so what I says goes, surely?

So as I consider booking myself in for the snip a glass must be raised to our friends who are getting much less sleep than we are. Though it's never easy even with one, as I write I hear The Chancellor shout 'Oh no Jamie It's gone everywhere!' I shudder to think what she is referring to but I have a good idea.


Saturday, 8 December 2012

I Give You The Gift Of Pictures Part 2

It's hard to know for you the reader of how much interest there is in reading about me cleaning mould off a wall for a few hours. 'No interest at all?' I hear you say. All right then I won't tell you about the crap jobs The Chancellor hands out. But I did do this and I now stink of bleach and my lungs are full of dust. So as this is all I have done today there is very little to report. So here are some more pictures. If you claim I am selling out by doing another picture blog then you're right and I don't care.

First off the wee man looking totally ace.

 Secondly, the wee man interacting with other children. More work needed there.

 Thirdly, the wee man being a monkey.

There you go. Depending how much more mould I get off the wall tomorrow then there could be more pictures. But I know you really love them.


Friday, 7 December 2012

Poor Parenting, Twice

A couple of poor bits of parenting from me happened today, neither of which The Chancellor enjoyed hearing only moments ago. Both incidents were down to me not paying attention and I take full responsibility if it will give me a lesser sentence.

First off, the wee man never really cries anymore if he hurts himself he just brushes it off and carries on. So when he does cry you know something is wrong. During his lunch I was wondering why the tray on his highchair wouldn't click into place. After putting a bit more force into pushing it into place I realised why it wasn't closing, the wee man's finger was in the way. AARRGGHHHHH and that's just me. A moment of realisation from him and then comes the crying or the screaming if you want to be more exact. Luckily no real harm was done and after a couple of minutes and frantic walking and bobbbing through the house he returned to normal and I pacified him with a Rich Tea biscuit. Crap parenting #1

So we come to the second bit of crap parenting. You almost forget that children, at this age, change. I mean, that for he ages he wasn't able to get into to cupboards. He would play with the handles but he never had the strength to open the doors. As I was pottering in the kitchen I knew he was just next to me as he was pulling on my trouser leg. Next thing I know I look down and he isn't next to me anymore, he has got in the cupboard under the sink and has pulled out a bottle of anti-bacterial all surface cleaner. AARRGGHHHHHH and that's me again. He looks very pleased with himself that he's gotten into a cupboard and in fairness I'm impressed he has managed to do this. But this just means we HAVE to do more baby proofing this weekend. The bottle was only moments from being put in his mouth and that would cause me all sorts of other problems.

Luckily he was alright after all these hardships and The Chancellor hasn't hit me. But she is off for two days now so a tighter reign on baby proofing will be taken by her.


Thursday, 6 December 2012

There's Snow Day Like A Snow Day

The wee man this morning was a star. As I lay in bed at nine o'clock this morning catching up on my correspondents I was more than happy that;

a). The wee man was still fast asleep having let me sleep for 10 or so hours.


b). I was tucked up all nice and warm as everyone else, including The Chancellor, was battling through the snow and ice to go to work.

I felt smug.

Eventually he rose and we eased our way into the day and I didn't get out of my pajamas until half past ten. I felt like a student again. However because I got some tedious parking ticket yesterday, which I should have contested on the grounds that it was stupid and cost me £35, I had to venture out into the cold and pay it. The wee man and I managed to slalom our way across the icy snow like Olympic cross-country skiers, but this made me even more annoyed because I was trudging through the snow just to pay a ticket I shouldn't have got in the first place. But like a good citizen I payed it and even told the lady at the desk that I shouldn't have got it. She was not sympathetic to my plight nor was she particularly interested. I said my bit though.

I let the wee man toddle through the snow on the way home which he greatly enjoyed but as he tends now to dawdle as he toddles I cut short his frivolity because I was cold and hungry and I don't like snow. He got the idea, next year I will probably be sledging with him. Cold and wet winters await for me, it's what I get for long lie-ins!


Wednesday, 5 December 2012

The Wee Man Is Hard As Nails

So having had something like a night of sleep I was ready to rock and roll today. And what better way than watching other people stick three needles into the wee man's legs. Today was MMR (measles, mumps and rubella) jab day and other rubbish diseases booster jab day.

We were joined by The Chancellor as she very kindly took the day off to join me in the needle fun, though she doesn't need to be asked twice to have a day off. This was the first time I had witnessed injection day as all the previous times had happened when I was actually paying any form of tax. As we sat in the waiting room at the doctor's I started to feel slightly guilt and a bit worried for the wee man. He tottered around, grinning and doing pleasant vocal exercises oblivious to what was about to happen. After pleasantries with the nurses they asked me to hold him tight with his arms out of the way. At this point he started to get a little fussy, I apologised to him and closed my eyes for him as the nurses stood on either side and stabbed him with the needles.

As you can imagine he did not enjoy this and began crying but only for a few seconds. He was a real man though and brushed aside the pain and moments later he was laughing and happy again. Top man. The Chancellor tells me the first time he had injections he was only weeks old and as they poked him he held his breath, turned purple and let out an enormous scream. Obviously spending more time with me has toughened him up! Maybe if I actually owned a tool box I could get away with this kind of comment. Anyway I'm very proud of him, so well done to the wee man.

Finally admin for a Wednesday. This is a blog post I never thought I would write. and this is a blog post I knew I would write.


Tuesday, 4 December 2012

I Give You The Gift Of Pictures

I'm out of ideas today. This is mainly due to another night awake with a screaming child. I have been too tired today to write and only got through the day with the help of a music group and a Yorkie bar which filled me with a large amount of sugar. Tomorrow is MMR jab day so I will be back to normal duty then. To fill the void here are some pictures of random things that may or may not be interesting.

The very very lovely Rachel Riley and the wee man
The wee man trying to escape

"Dad is an idiot"

There you go. See you tomorrow.


Monday, 3 December 2012

Please Remain Seated

So today as I write there is wall to wall coverage of Kate and Wills' pregnancy announcement. I'm not really a royalist or interested in them in any way but they seem fairly nice so the most I will say of it is well done and good luck, you'll need it.

Returning to a child who probably won't get any near as much press coverage as a royal child, the wee man in his own esoteric way hes been setting the world alight and caused no end of havoc. No longer can I leave him in his high chair as I head in to the kitchen to make him his breakfast or lunch or dinner, no. This is because the smart little guy has learn't how to get out of his high chair and stand in the seat and bounce up and down. As soon as I leave the room he breaks free his shackles, taking full advantage of there being no parent around, and looks very proud as he jigs around in the chair. As the chair stands 3 and a half feet or so in the air, this makes any fall he might have quite dangerous and therefore make things quite difficult for me. A broken arm would be the least of my worries if he fell at an awkward angle.

The one thing the wee man hates in the world, more than having a cotton bud shoved up is nose, is to be strapped or penned in in anyway. So when we finally release him from his high chair or car seat or push chair he grins to himself and kicks his legs excitedly. He knows exactly what's going on and how to get what he wants.

Also in the news today after that exciting story of mine is an even more exciting story about how the wee man and I went to buy a Christmas tree today. I let him toddle around the trees seeing if he had an eye for a perfect shape and size but he just walked round and round in circles, more interested in the netting machine.

Anyway you have to be wondering why I told you this story so I'll let you all get off now and catch up with the latest news on the royal baby, they might be discussing names.


Sunday, 2 December 2012

A Cold Home And Reality

Reality returned today and by God it was cold. We returned home in quite a sad mood as we now have to buy our own food, cook for ourselves and we don't have a pair of babysitters on tap. What are we going  to do with ourselves? Do we really have to live like real adults? As winter has hit the north east of England it's bloody freezing and a quick check of our house temperature did not make nice reading, 8 degrees Celsius which is FREEZING! So for the past four hours our central heating has been on full whack and we might be in debt just to get warm.

Not only have we returned home with a house load of new toys for the wee man but we have come home with a changed wee man. While we were away he got himself into the habit of having two evening meals which has led to a plumper toddler who now has a double chin and big Santa style belly. This is good for winter though and the extra layer of fat should keep him warm from this dreadful cold. Already tonight he has had a fair amount of food and now he is sampling the delights of my home made pizzas. Greedy baby.

He has also nearly given up on crawling and just wants to walk everywhere either with you holding his hand or just by himself. This is very nice but bending down for a good half an hour starts to make your back ache. And he decided to start saying the word 'egg'. I don't know how or why he has started saying this or if he even knows he is saying it but out it comes. Egg, egg, egg etc etc.

Tomorrow we all start again and I'm not looking forward to being by myself day in day out as we will be returning to child on the shoulders thing when I go to the toilet and many other treats.But only three weeks until Christmas then The Chancellor is off for another two weeks. The countdown has started.


Saturday, 1 December 2012

Santa Scared My Child

There are some moments in life that the wee man will probably never forget. Today was donkey and Santa day and it produced mixed success for The Chancellor and the wee man. It was all a bit too much at the start of proceedings for the wee man and he wasn't too sure what to make of the donkey cart ride. This may have been because they were masquerading as reindeers or the brightly covered cart who knows. But according to The Chancellor he warmed pretty quickly to the experience and even began dancing to Christmas music as he rode round and around. I won't tell you who was singing the Christmas song as it's embarrassing but endearing enough.

So the donkey cart ride culminated in a visit to see Santa. This didn't go down as well as the donkeys did. In fact he didn't like Santa at all. He wasn't best to start with being led into a dark cave and on meeting the big bearded man his face dropped, bottom lip trembled and he began to sob softly. The wee man  might well have also been annoyed that Santa couldn't remember his name. Did Santa confuse him with a nice child? So The Chancellor kept having to correct our bearded friend, who probably wasn't listening, much to the mirth of his elvish assistants. In the end to soften the blow the wee man returned with a toy duck which he can marinate in wine for a few hours and then serve with oven roasted potatoes and string beans.

I'm not sure if we will be taking him next year and maybe it's just better if we just tell our son that Santa doesn't exist from an early age. Is that too mean?

Having seen the pictures it looked like loads of fun but not enough fun to lure me from my two hours of alone time. This precious time was very nice but in truth I wasn't sure what to do with myself. So I just ate toast and watched the build up to today's football games, in fairness is there anything better I could have done?