Wednesday, 31 July 2013

We Wandered Lonely As A Cloud

Evening all, Wednesday wouldn't be Wednesday with a Baby Centre blog for you. It's basically about everything I've been moaning about and everything I probably will be moaning about for the foreseeable future.

I wandered lonely as a cloud or perhaps that should be 'we wandered'. The quarantine continues and the wee man looks even worse than he did yesterday. The spots have now progressed to the face and in particular to his eye and let me tell you they look sore. I've been banned from putting pictures of it in this blog as it's actually quite mean and I don't want to embarrass him forever. I really feel for him and life must be pretty sore right now.

More than anything else at the moment we are bored. Some of our friends are meeting tomorrow and this weekend and we can't go. *Sad face*. There are lots of things I want to do, swimming for instance but any parents at the first sight of the wee man will go scurrying for protection covering their eyes. This however may be useful for swimming as it could clear the pool for me. I want to take him to a playground but we will be kicked out by overly concerned parents.

I now am looking for any strip of open land which has no children, is in the middle of nowhere and there's something to do on it. I think this is mission impossible and we're destined to wander the streets alone like the social outcasts we are.

We were told by the doctor that the spots will continue for a wee while before scabbing over and eventually falling off. Then once this happens we can see our friends again tough I imagine they will want to stay a good distance away from us for a while. Poor wee man.


Tuesday, 30 July 2013


With the wee man get spottier by the day The Chancellor and I have been finding new ways of entertaining him without interacting with any other children. Our newest idea is Play-Doh.

The Chancellor went a bit mad this morning and got not just Play-Doh but the kitchen set that goes with it. I must say that's all very exciting and I've already mad multiple ice cream cones and other weird shaped things.

However the thing I'd forgotten was just how strangely the stuff smelt. It has a wonderful chemical smell about it which makes you wonder just what's in it and how it's made. I seem to remember as a child eating the stuff and thinking it was incredibly salty, again I wonder what's in it and hope it's not human. Already I think the wee man has sampled its delights, the telling green speckles on his lips gave him away. Also the fact that he's just thrown up dinner is another clue.

I'll let him off though because he's having a pretty rough time of it. Every five minutes we find more spots and now he looks like...well I'm not sure what but it isn't nice. Poor little man. A week of this doesn't sound good and with The Chancellor going back to work tomorrow it's going to be a long week. Some of his spots have popped and actually look quite sore so we'll have a child covered in cream by the end of the night. Not even a Play-Doh kitchen is worth this...



Monday, 29 July 2013

The Pox Attacks

The pox has hit our household, the chicken variety. As we want to keep our friends we have to now avoid them for a while or at least until the wee man becomes one giant scab. So picking places to go where the wee man won't spread his diseases is quite tough. Naturally soft plays and the like are out of the question as are most other things in the world seeing as it's the school holidays. My mental list of things to do has become very very short, so we decided today to go somewhere new. Today for the very first time I visited a retail outlet centre and let me tell you it really was a different world.

Now I'm not really one for retail worlds or retail estates as generally they're very busy and very loud but my snobbery lessened ever so slightly today.

The wee man did need new shoes after all and my friend Funny Mummy has been going on about the cheap prices of the shoes there for a while. And in truth she was right as we got some shoes for a fraction of the price as they are in the city! Wow, who would have thought that a). I would have visited such a place today and b). I get ace shoes for such a cheap price! Mind blowing.

Anyway enough from me about shoes, I have to remember that there are more important things like the wee man being his very own biological weapon. I know know why he was being such a mardy bum the last few days. Really should have given him some sympathy, The Chancellor certainly is giving him some now. Bad daddy.



Sunday, 28 July 2013

Second Child Syndrome

It's good to know, for various reasons, that we're not the only people we know who are having a second child. In fact there's a small group of us who have decided that we're not that tired or financially ruined and that the best thing for all of us to do is have another child. We are the mad sensible ones.

Though for some strange reason we and about four other couples are going to be having our second child roughly at the same time of year as our first was born. Is there any science that says this generally happens or does it just look like we have sex once a year and more often than not it results in a child?

The really funny thing is that most of couples we know who have decided to take the plunge, including us, all roll our eyes and say it's going to be hell for a few years. So why do it and why hasn't common sense stopped us?

Well for one, I'm still fairly young so my logic is we can get all the tedious sleep deprivation out of the way early and by the time the children are at an age where they can make their own breakfasts, I will still be able to appreciate a lie in as a relatively young person. This may not make any sense to you but makes perfect sense to me. And why not get it out of the way early in life as when they go to university I can go travelling and I won't need a walking stick to get around.

Some people have called us mad and crazy for going back to the start especially with a toddler as mental as the wee man but chosen the path we have. There's no getting out of it now...


Saturday, 27 July 2013

Part Child, Part Goat, Part Nokia Phone

Crash, bang, wallap. The wee man is not one for risk assessment. I don't know any other child who is as haphazard with their safety as he is. If it didn't look so ridiculous I would probably have him running around dressed in bubble wrap. Because he is so unfazed by life he doesn't stop, literally, at the water's edge. This kamikaze lifestyle has The Chancellor and I on tenterhooks constantly. There seems to be nowhere where we can relax with him.

Today he had an almighty crash in the park where his head met concrete at a pretty alarming velocity. You know with him when something really hurts because he scrunches his eyes up, holds his breath, opens his mouth for five seconds then lets out a ungodly cry. The breath holding bit is quite useful as it gives you time to cover your ears in preparation. In truth we were expecting blood today as we picked him up off the floor. Luckily for all concerned he was fine after a few minutes of crying.

But it makes you think, how the hell don't these children hurt themselves more? I know the bone structure of toddlers is slightly different to that of an adult and the bones bend more than ours do but still. They're almost indestructible like those old Nokia phones that no mater how or where you dropped them they would still be fine. Though I'm not going to be going around dropping him here, there and all about to test this theory, Social Services would have something to say about that.

When the wee man is scaling something that is far too high for him, I often think of those mountain goats that stand, for some bizarre reason, on the edges of cliffs. Why on earth they do that is anyone's guess. The wee man is the same, he just climbs to the point where he can't climb anymore and sod getting down. It's nice to know though that he's more goat than child.



Friday, 26 July 2013

The Wee Man The Mardy Bum

We've had nothing but trouble from the wee man today. Since we've returned home all he's done is winge. And I mean really winge. There is a certain noise he makes that is just awful and really really annoying. All day all we've heard is this noise followed by crying followed by the noise followed by crying...It really makes mine and The Chancellor's blood pressure rise to dangerous levels. Everything has become hard work but the thing that has pissed us off the most is when he gets frustrated he gets naughty. He's been deliberately doing things that he knows are wrong after he's been told off. It's all a vicious cycle and we're about ready to sell him to any bidder not even the highest.

I think we've had a culmination of maybe the last tooth coming through, a developmental change and the back end of a really unsettled stage. I hope after a night's sleep he will return to his old ways, if not we're taking him with a megaphone to the local car boot tomorrow. The Chancellor joked today that someone would take him but come back half an hour later after having second thoughts. I've had second thoughts one or twice but unfortunately I'm biologically tied to him so I can't go anywhere.

It's been a while since we've had such a rubbish day and even at half past four in the afternoon I'm looking at the clock to see if it's bath time yet. Next week The Chancellor goes back to work and the wee man and I go back to spending our days together, if he's still in this mood then it's going to be awful. Let's hope the amalgamation of things has stopped by then or else...

If you're wondering by the way the word mardy is a yorkshireism which means grumpy or surly and it pretty much sums up the wee man today. Even after dinner which is usually his best time of the day he is crying because I'm not letting him do something or other. I'm such an awful dad, apparently.

I need to have a lie down...


Thursday, 25 July 2013

Back For Good

Just over a month ago we set off for our holiday to Devon, today we finally got home for good. We will finally be able to unpack our stuff and get back to a type of normality. The Chancellor isn't back at work until next week, so we might be able to get back to some of those jobs that still need to be done. After all that has been going on we still need to move house and we may get back to some painting but we are no longer in as much of a rush as there are still jobs to do back down in Leeds. Until they're done we're probably not going anywhere.

Child #2 is growing nicely and there is even a little bump now. Though The Chancellor can't tell if it's the meal we ate last night. Taking advantage of being around family The Chancellor and I had a date night last night, the first in...well a while. This consisted of a meal out, at a restaurant we used to visit regularly when we just 'going out', followed by drinks in a bar. Seeing as The Chancellor is pregnant I was doing all the drinking but I think this was the case before we got pregnant again. Naturally being parents the night finished somewhere before ten but still we enjoyed ourselves and we know that after #2 is born we won't be doing this...ever again.

It's amazing how quickly you can slip back into a former life when you are away from your children. We found this last year when we went away for a couple of nights. You quickly stop looking for the high chair at dinner time or wondering where and what your child is doing. You can actually sit in a chair and close your eyes without having a child screech at you or poke you in the eye.

I know some people don't like being away from their children but I think that it's a really important thing to do. They need to get used to you being away and we, as parents, need a break from the insanity. We are lining up a nights break later this year and I already can't wait. A nice hotel, a great dinner, some nice wine and a lie in in the morning, who's with me?


Wednesday, 24 July 2013

How To Get A Piece Of Key Lime Pie

Good afternoon. First for you today is a smattering of Baby Centre. If you haven't noticed it's pretty warm outside and I for one am sick of it all. This week's blog I moan a lot about it all I have also written another blog this week but I'm not willing to share the link as it's about Prince William and some royal baby. For those of you who know me personally you will know that I only write these things because my editor asks me to and not because I like the royals. I am a true Roundhead. Anyway if you nosey around the site my blog will be somewhere as will a million posts about Kate and Wills but I'm not going to give you any clues to where it is.

And so onto a child I actually care about and the wee man has now become a master when it comes to manipulation. He has learnt that if he doesn't get what he wants from one of us then he will go to other and will generally get it.

Today he came to me wanting a bit of my chocolate chip muffin, I said no and he promptly went to The Chancellor with a sad face and pointing at me (I'm the big bad wolf) and he got some key lime pie. His face changed quite quickly once he got the tasty spoonful. The Chancellor can never say no to him. It's one thing when you're divided about desserts but what happens when he wants booze or a packet of fags? Where does it end?

I'm pretty sure all children have their parents wrapped around their fingers, I've seen some real treats out and about. Some parents just cave at the first sight of a tantrum. The wee man doesn't even need to do this as The Chancellor wilts at his little sad face. We all need to toughen up a dash...


Tuesday, 23 July 2013

The Death Of Sharing

Eureka! Some time ago I wrote a Baby Centre blog about the joys of science museums. Today we went to one. Eureka! in Halifax is a wonderful places with something for all the family. Great food, great toilets, great... If I sound like a sales assistant then it's because they may give me free passes for mentioning them. I'll be holding my breath for them to arrive in the post.

The place is great, however as you would imagine it was full of other people's children. Now for a while I've been worried about sharing. But having seen the children of all ages today I now know that no child shares. NO child.

An example was a device where you could put a ball through a hole and the machine pushed it around and about and eventually came out a shoot at the end. The idea was that you put your ball in and watch it through the perspex and wait for it to come out. Now, there were some horrid children who stole the balls from smaller children and didn't wait their turn and pushed everyone else out of the way. My faith in children being nice and sharing is now dead. The parents didn't help much as little children the wee man's age were trampled and elbowed out of the way. Poor buggers. I had to mussel my way in just to let the wee man have a go. Also I wanted a go (I too can not share).

If it didn't come with a lifetime ban from the place and possibly a prison sentence I would have thrown these kids out to learn how to behave. Do you think I could get refund because of annoying kids?



Monday, 22 July 2013

A Fitting Send Off

Hard day for us at HQ today with my mother-in-law's funeral. In the end it was a great send off but inevitably it wasn't at all easy for any of us. The wee man is at that awkward age where he still isn't sitting still and wants to explore everything so a funeral isn't the best place for him to be. My mother was on hand to whisk him away in the church when he got too chatty or overexcited with proceedings.

It's very hard to have a toddler who doesn't understand what's going on. I was a pallbearer today and the wee man got very upset as we carried the coffin up the aisle. He obviously wanted to say hi to me as I passed him but being in the middle of carrying a coffin I couldn't stop and carry him. With time naturally he will learn about these situations and will be less likely to be clingy with us. But with today we didn't want to have to keep him occupied as well as deal with everything else. My sister was also kindly on duty to keep him occupied, this at least means we could focus on what was going on.

We will now stay here until the middle of the week and we'll head home and try to return to a sort of normality, this of course will take longer than we hope it will. For the wee man though life has to continue and nothing stops for him. This can make dealing with grief tricky as you HAVE to carry on and you can't sit still and think about things, especially with the wee man as he NEVER sits still. It will be easier in the future when it happens again as he'll be older, although I hope it doesn't happen again for a long long time.



Sunday, 21 July 2013

The Beginning Of The End

Who are you most influenced by? Have a think, go on. I personally can name a few people. For the wee man it seems to be any child who is older than him.

Today we went to my Godfather's place for lunch, wine and opera. All three by the way were excellent but the wee man got to play with a boy who is about eight months older than him and he loved it. The developmental difference of eight months is huge and I mean huge. Vocab, control and interaction are all more advanced and even the wee man seemed to notice this. In the space of an afternoon the wee man watched everything his new friend was doing and even his vocabulary has expanded by a couple of words.

I have felt for a while that the wee man needs more in the way of interaction with children and the time has come for a playgroup or a nursery to be introduced a couple of days a week. This new phase for him will also spell the end of my full time care of the wee man. For the record after a year off I don't want to go back to work but who would? A year of coffee, cake and trips to the beach? Who would want to leave that? It might take me a little while for me to be reintroduced into society.

However in truth I think I've done all I can with one on one care. He is now seeking out children for interaction and it's in all our interests to make this happen. For selfish reasons I would love to stay doing this but I knew that it wouldn't last forever. Not everything has been easy as you would imagine, especially if you've read this blog regularly. But that doesn't mean I want to return to the world of work.

It might well take us a little time to organise things and I would like, by the time number two comes, for him to be settled in a place even if it's for a couple of mornings a week. This might also give me time to sit and close my eyes for a couple of hours, though tell this to The Chancellor and she might well say I've more important things to do than just sit and rest my eyes.

In the end it's sad to think this special time is coming to an end, onto the next era.


Saturday, 20 July 2013

G.I. Wee Man

This morning I went to buy a suit. I left the wee man as a long haired surfer type but returned, surprisingly, to find that The Chancellor had taken him for a hair cut and he now looks like some army soldier. I've never been one for the short back and sides look and there are plenty of pictures, now hidden away, of me with long purple hair. Luckily The Chancellor doesn't know where they are and it will remain that way. I liked my long hair but unfortunately life got in the way and I would just look stupid now. I probably looked stupid then too but that's not the point.

Anyway for a moment when I came home I didn't quite recognise the wee man as I had grown accustomed to his long blond locks. He seems now for some reason to be a proper little boy and all grown up. I had visions of him with his old hair working in a surf shop somewhere and thoroughly enjoying life in the waves. Now though I'm expecting him to go and join Her Majesty's army.

The barber apparently ran lots of gel through the hair after it was done and he looked liked Bart Simpson for a while but I put a stop to that and now it's flat again. It seems bizarre that we're at a stage where use of hair products on a toddler is deemed OK. He is only a little boy and impressing the girls surely is a long way away. Any roads he has a girlfriend already so he only needs to impress her. I remember my first forais with hair gel and it didn't end well, I looked like an idiot. Oh to be young and naive.


Friday, 19 July 2013

Did You Know We Were Greek?

I don't think I've ever told you the story of my heritage. My great grandmother was apparently (according to my mum) a complete nutter a bit mad. She though was adamant that our family were 1/16 Greek. Any concrete evidence is missing, though I've always had a soft spot for this story and believe it a little. For example my father and I are both philosophy graduates (he being a professor) and we are both crap with money. Also we have Greek noses and both tan better than anyone else we know. I'm not sure you will need anymore convincing here than that and I can see you all nodding saying "I see it now". Yeah? Yeah. The wee man is philosophical I've noticed and he tans like a Mediterranean man. All this points one way, we're Greek.

Despite my lineage I hate the heat and it's too hot to do the simplest of things at the moment. I can barely sit in the same spot for any length of time without feeling horrid, so writing this is hard work. The wee man has it right, he has spent most of the time here at his gran's in just a nappy and he even tried life without the nappy for a while, only for me to get nervous and worry when he farted and it smelt bad so bad that back on went the nappy. He pooed soon after. A t-shirt has been applied only because it's so damn hot that the poor mite will burn without it.

Oh to walk around 90% nude without fear of someone calling the police. I would try this but my muffin top belly offends even me so everyone else won't want to look at it. As we've been sitting outside I don't think I've ever been so happy to see a cloud even if it's the size of a pea. Where's winter when you need it. Who said I was Greek.


Thursday, 18 July 2013


Today went something like this-

  • Up early
  • Breakfast
  • Mental half hour
  • Petrol run
  • Nap
  • Lunch
  • Trip to the beach
  • Mental half hour
  • Dinner
  • Mental half hour
  • Bath
  • Milk
  • In the Night Garden
  • Story
  • Bed

12 long hours. I don't mind doing all this but it's what comes afterwards that annoys me. The last two nights I have spent about half an hour picking up after the wee man. In each room there is a different torment.

Bathroom- toys and toilet roll in the bath, clothes on the floor.
Kitchen- a multitude of dirty pots included dried porridge which, by the way, is stronger than cement.
Lounge- toys EVERYWHERE.
Front bedroom- a mixture of dirty and clean clothes and a mixture of trucks on my pillow.

I might get to eat at some point though I wouldn't count on it.


Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Home Alone

First off today I have a slice of Baby Centre for you. This week I have had a medium sized meltdown over the fact that I will be having more than one child. If you want to ease my worry then read, comment and say soothing things to me.

So on to today and you never quite appreciate what two sets of hands really do until one of the sets goes missing for a couple of days. The Chancellor has gone away for a couple of days to sort things for Monday leaving the wee man and I to do it on our own for a while.

This is, at seven o'clock, the first time I've really sat down today. Some of you reading this may be saying "wow seven o'clock you've got it good". And indeed this is good to a point and I just hope that I don't hear any whimpering noises for the next twelve hours. I haven't been sleeping very well at the moment so I need the wee man to give me a full night though as tired as I am there is a chance I won't wake up and he'll just have to sort himself out.

One of our friends admitted after a night of being alone with his son that he wasn't sure if the son had woken as he himself had slept fine so just assumed the son did. I used to do this when I worked. I would wake in the morning and say "He did really well last night didn't he?", The Chancellor though would turn and look at me and say "I was up four time with him". Ah, my bad I didn't hear him. Now though after a year of being on look (hear)-out I have adjusted my ears and now I wake at the slightest noise. This is tedious, very tedious and The Chancellor will now often poke me in the night and say "I think he's awake." This mean get your ass of bed and sort it. Tedious.


Tuesday, 16 July 2013

The Wee Man Vs. The Nasty Boy

There's always one. No matter where the wee man and I go there is always one little *insert rude word here* who has to ruin the whole day for everyone. It happens a lot at soft plays but today at our regular Baltic trip one boy ruined it for nearly every other child and parent. This tedious boy ran around pushing every child bar one or two. Included was the wee man but he just stood and looked at the boy like he was some crazy child. The mother of this boy seemed pretty soft with her son but after he had pushed every child in the room she finally got firm with him and promptly whisked him out of the room while giving his a good slapping. Cue a huge sigh of relief from everyone in the room.

Children hitting or pushing each other is generally a regular thing but it's the response of the parent of the child in question which is the most important thing. Some of my friends are a bit quicker to have a word with the parents than I am but I have been close in the past to saying that they should keep a better eye on their child.

But how far is it over reaction from us and how far is it just crap parenting by the shitty child's parents. I heard recently of a person's nephew having their eyes scratched by a wantaway child whose parent's were not paying any attention at all. I know some people have boycotted soft plays simply because there are some nasty kids there.

As the wee man has gotten older I have worried about things like this more and more but I suppose it's just something kids have to learn and be aware of, but this doesn't make it any easier for the parents. In the end it's just a developmental stage and I'm sure I pushed children at the wee man's age though I was the golden boy. I actually felt sorry for the mother today as I know how hard it is to control a toddler sometimes and it's never easy to be the only one in the room with a mental child. Never-the-less if it happens again with any other child I'm saying something.



Monday, 15 July 2013

The Wee Man, The Hand Holder

I told you some time ago about the wee man and little girlfriend. My good friend Sensory Mummy's daughter and he have been friends for a while and have even hugged on occasion. But today they took their relationship to a new level. At our Monday playgroup they held hands as they ran back and forth across the room, smiling and giggling at each other as they did so. Now normally my heart is made of stone and not even the slushiest moment in a movie or on TV shows has any affect on me. But I must say today I said "Awwwww" as I watched them. And I tell you what it really was a truly heart warming moment. Let it be known for the record that I didn't cry, I really didn't no matter what anyone else says.

When we were away on holiday and the subsequent days we were in Leeds sorting things for my mother-in-law's funeral I was worried that the wee man wasn't spending enough time with other children. He can sometimes be a little 'handsey' with other children and I was worried that so much time away from interaction would be detrimental to him. However it doesn't appear to have had much an affect on him. His new found love of holding hands is quite remarkable and eases my worry that he'll turn into a sociopathic killer.

So should I be booking the wedding venue now? Or making a place in my heart for a new daughter in law? However I must say that when the pair have to suddenly share something their love for one another takes a turn for the worse and they shriek at each other. But this is quickly forgotten and they go back to the lovey dovey stuff.

The day your children are old enough to get girlfriends/boyfriends must be a very strange day indeed. Is it at this point that you notice how pathetic you were as a love struck teenager? All those times you wanted to throw up when your parents said "There are plenty more fish in the sea" or "She was never good enough for you anyway", these will be said by me and by you and it will terrify us all. Never mind we can just drink through the pain of becoming old and boring...


Sunday, 14 July 2013

The Wee Man, The Jedi Apprentice

This weekend the wee man has been introduced to something for the first time. Star Wars. For the past two days episodes IV and V have been on TV and I thought it about time that my son and I had some real bonding time over sci-fi movies. The Chancellor wasn't invited back for the second viewing today after making such comments yesterday as "This is Return of The Jedi right?" (we were watching a New Hope) and "I've never really watched Star Wars." Indeed there is always a first time but after all this time with me I've lost patience so she's banned.

Keeping the wee man's attention is quite a hard thing to do. Mr Tumble manages it as does In the Night Garden but Star Wars took it to a whole new level. He was engrossed especially today during the Empire Strikes Back and the battle of Hoth. It's all those laser beams. The day he can express his desire to watch them back to back while I struggle with a hangover on the sofa will be be a great day. Also because my desire to build Lego Star Wars is so strong, the day he wants to build ships with me will be wonderful. 

Of course I could go out and buy the Millennium Falcon and build it myself and then play with it, by myself, but people moan at me enough without adding something like that to the list. I must wait a little while longer. Like Yoda said today "You must learn control." Wise words Yoda and ones that I'll be sure to heed.

Until then I'll just have to play with my old school action figures and vehicles. Out of sight obviously as only a true fan would understand why someone my age still wants to play with toys.



Saturday, 13 July 2013

The Life Of A Parent

Today I don't want to talk about children, I've said more than enough about the children who are both here and in utero. Instead I want to use this blog to talk about cricket. Yes let's talk about The Ashes... actually nah not really. If I did spend this precious time talking about cricket my readership would plummet, unless you're all cricket nuts, is this true? One Man and Some Cricket Whites?

After 300 odd days of blogging what more is there to tell about the wee man and his antics or me and the lengths I go to to get some quiet alone time. This quiet alone time by the way will become non-existent by the time little baby number two comes along. But what I'm trying to say is that when you're a parent your life is just about children. Your Facebook statuses are about the kids, your conversations are about the kids, your shopping is about the kids. Everyone else gets pissed off with you constantly talking about your kids. But still we talk about the kids.

Everything changes very quickly once that first child is born and what changes even quicker are those little and big things that used to make up 'you'. Long gone are those picture uploads of that fancy holiday on a remote island somewhere or those pictures of drinks after work or those mentions of you sitting in a park with a glass of Pimms (I don't drink Pimms by the way).

When someone asks, "What have you been up to?" the only thing I think of saying is kids stuff. Maybe just maybe there was a night where one of us went out to somewhere where kids didn't frequent and we indulged in a glass of wine. Maybe I managed to go for a swim one night but these things aren't that interesting in a conversation. To us parents they are golden moments in a week to everyone else we are just boring people who are in bed by half nine.

I can see how people age very quickly with children, it isn't their fault it's just life and shifting of priorities. I have a friend who I'll call Pot Bey (don't ask), he often sends me a message at silly o'clock in the morning to say he is just getting in from a night out and I get this message just as I'm getting up with the wee man. Like ships in the night we pass but I'm not sure which one of us is more tired. Probably me, lucky bugger.



Friday, 12 July 2013

Impending Doom

Now that the cat's out of the bag so to speak I feel I can relax a little when writing One Man. The idea of having another child took a while to sink in, as you would imagine, but slowly it's seeped into my conscience and now there is nothing but panic in my temporal lobe. Let me explain to you the things that are on my mind and why they scare me.

  1. The Wee Man (Latin: Weemanius Maximus). This creature is a Roadrunner of the quickest variety. I've already had heart palpitations at the thought of the wee man dashing off into the road while I'm pushing a new born around. Though as I was telling Funny Mummy today I hope that by the time the baby is born the wee man might have calmed down a bit...Am I being silly here? Would this at all be possible?
  2. The New Born Baby (Latin: Cryous Allotus). This creature cries a lot and doesn't sleep when the rest of us sleep. It took the wee man eight months to sleep through and it was bloody hard work. Why are we doing this again? Oh my God I can't do this, I'm off the Mexico...
  3. A New House (Latin: Can't Affordus What We Wantus). This Creature will finish me off when we finally get round to sorting it. We live in a two bed flat and there is no way we can have four people in this place. A new house is a must but with everything else going on at the moment we're not going to get this sorted anytime soon. 
  4. My Sanity (Latin: Knackeredus Maximus). This creature is on its last legs and one more surprise might just see the end of a once happy and relaxed mind. The less I think about this the better.

In a short blog this is all I can bring myself to write about. If I think any harder about it all then I will scare myself and I won't come out from under the duvet. Any advice on second children would be greatly appreciated but only nice advice will be welcome. You can keep your horror stories to yourself...


Thursday, 11 July 2013

Oh THAT's Why The Chancellor Feels Sick...

Good tidings today dear blog readers. There has been something I've been wanting to tell you for a while but on pain of death I've had to shut my mouth. One Man and a Wee Bairn will be changing its name to One Man, a Wee Bairn and a Even Weeer Bairn. Yes I have successfully impregnated The Chancellor...Oh wait it this a good thing? No of course it is but you can see why we are so desperate to move house and into somewhere that can house another child. The dynasty continues.

We've known for a while mainly because The Chancellor has been very sick and likes to tell me this over and over again. However this pregnancy was more of a surprise to us than it was to anyone else. We had trouble with the wee man and required some fertility treatment to bring him into existence but this time with my second heir he/she was totally natural and has left us all a little shell shock. Cue mad scramble to sell the house.

I actually announced this news yesterday for my Baby Centre blog (sorry for the favouritism) and I go into a wee bit more detail about the fertility treatment side of things. Just click this link if I haven't bored you enough  with this whole subject.

So I will enjoy the time I have remaining before a second little creature arrives and cries for months on end and demands every ounce of my attention. All this with a very fast moving toddler. The countdown begins...


Wednesday, 10 July 2013

The Wee Man, The Climber

The wee man as you know is fairly accident prone. He has been known to walk into door frames and fall over from running so fast his body can't keep up. The one thing he hasn't done yet is fall down a flight of stairs, until today. In truth it was only half the flight but it was enough to give us all a bit of a scare. I was waiting at the top for him to come up but as he made it to the halfway point he slipped and went flying backwards. Cue me rushing down stairs and checking him all over for blood. Thankfully aside from having a good cry he was fine and it hasn't in any way put him off trying to climb the stairs again. Actually as I write off he goes again, so just wait a mome...

He just sees it as a big game and has a good giggle every time I chase him up the stairs. When my father got home and I told him the story he wasn't at all concerned saying "All the best ones fall down the stairs at one point or another in their life", wise words indeed. I along with my sister apparently fell down the stairs in my formative years and I don't think it did us any harm, or none that I can see anyway.

It must be a boy thing in that all he wants to do is climb to the highest peak he can find and then once atop the thing he has climbed stretches his arms out to the sky and grins. Is he due to climb K2 or Everest in the near future? His godfather is a climber so he could always get advice from him. Until then I am going to buy an American football helmet and safety pads for him and hope that when he falls next time he bounces more than he did today. Poor lad.


Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Silly Daddy

We here at HQ we always pride ourselves on the fact that we're not morons. Though sometimes I slip through that net and do things that in hindsight aren't good ideas. Take today for example. The weather has hovered around the 30 degree mark here in Leeds and I am rubbish with hot weather, though I do tan impressively. So to combat this fear of the sun I thought that the best place to go with the wee man would be Tropical World. Yes Tropical World.

My first mistake was to think that being under giant glasshouses would be cooler than outdoors. However I had a full proof plan and one that was so cunning that no one else would have thought of it. The plan went thus- it will be hot in Tropical World which means that when I come back outside it will all seem cooler and I will be able to deal with the heat better. The plan didn't work as well as I had hoped however. In one of the tropical rooms the temperature hit 42 degrees and quickly my t-shirt got soaked from my sweat and I was close to collapsing. The wee man and I lasted for all of ten minutes and I've never walked around as quickly as we did today.

When we finally found an exit it seemed even hotter outside and we took to sitting under a tree for a while drinking Capri Sun. Next time it's this hot I'll do the sensible thing and go to an air conditioned shop or sit in a freezer for a while. It doesn't help that my parent's house is also like a greenhouse and it took the wee man a good couple of hours to get to sleep last night. The same could be said for us. Give me my crumbling old freezing flat any day.


Monday, 8 July 2013

The Wee Man, His Grand Pa And Iggle Piggle

Sitting watching In the Night Garden with my father is always fun. He is a University Professor and wonders why we're allowing him to watch such a programme. He also, like most of us, finds it hard to work out what the hell is going on. He asks us, "Who's he? And why he's blue? And I didn't realise Makka Pakka was so small, has he got arthritis?" ( why my father thinks he has this ailment is anyone's guess). 

After various nights watching it with his grandson however he now quite enjoys it and has even started to remember character names or his own special versions of the names. Secretly I think he watches it even when we're not here to visit. It is one of those addictive shows for parents and naturally it's baby heroine, so everyone's a winner.

Maybe it's a generational thing, I mean my father was brought up in a Yorkshire village where his house had an outside toilet. Old school. So anything where the characters are remnants of an acid trip will be alien to the man, especially as he has his head in academia all day. Things must has changed dramatically for him, or so he likes to tell us. To be honest the times have changed for me and I'm half my dad's age.

My father must endure Iggle Piggle and the crew for a few more nights as we're down here until Thursday. This is going to be a big week for us for various reasons, but I'll get into trouble if I divulge any more, so you must wait.




Sunday, 7 July 2013

The Wee Man, The Naughty Man

I would imagine that because of events down in London at the moment no one will read this blog. To be honest it's taking me a while to write this as the tennis is on in the background. Anyway despite the running around and grunting I'll write this anyway.

I have said recently that the wee man has been great on our travels and this is true but since we've come home he's been nothing but trouble. This is strange as you would have thought he would be better at home than he would be away. We go back to Leeds tomorrow for an indefinite time and let's hope he goes back to his easy going holiday ways.

Since our return home he has only slept through once in five nights. This is after weeks and months of sleeping through the night. After everything we have been through and the amount of miles we've clocked up we are pretty damn tired and the wee man is doing nothing to help us. Why he doesn't feel settled here of all places is anyone's guess.

Since we've been back he seems to have hit another developmental period and has become more willful and naughty, disobeying us at every turn. We tell him to stop touching paint pots and he goes back to touch the paint pots again, this goes on for a while until we really have to shout at him. He then, through frustration, looks for something to throw and generally throws the first thing he can find. Tiresome doesn't quite cut it as it's not just the paint pots it's everything he shouldn't have. We're looking forward to this stage being over that's for sure.


Saturday, 6 July 2013

Birthday At The Beach

It's my birthday today. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Jamie, happy birthday to me...But the only problem is I don't really like birthdays. With events in the past week this year's is much quieter and if I had my way we wouldn't be celebrating it at all. So seeing as there's a mini heat wave in the UK at the moment there was no other place to be than on the beach. Though next time I'm taking appropriate swim wear and a spare set of clothes.

I decided to go for a bit of swim seeing as the water was actually quite warm. So I stripped down to my pants and t-shirt and waded into the water. However, I had forgotten that the pants I was wearing had a massive hole in them somewhere around the south pole and only noticed as I burst from the water Daniel Craig style that somethings were on view quite clearly and especially to one Granny who was sat on the beach. All a bit too embarrassing, so I thought it best to towel up and promptly threw the pants out on my return home. This is exactly what you want on your birthday and I'm surprised she didn't run off and call the authorities on me for flashing. The Chancellor found this all very funny and was later shocked by the size of the hole in my pants. By the way I'm going clothes shopping tomorrow to rectify my poor range of underwear.

Apart from going swimming later and eating fish and chips that's another year down and one year closer to grey hairs, though I'm surprised having a toddler hasn't brought them on sooner.

...and many more...



Friday, 5 July 2013

The 300th Post

Aside from two days recently I have been writing One Man and a Wee Bairn for 300 days in a row. *Insert exhausted face here*. In this time I have talked about nearly everything there is talk about with regards to children and parenting. From the banal to the very important the wee man and I have gone through a lot together and thinking back I'm wondering if there's anything I have learnt along the way.

  1. Always leave the house with a spare nappy. At the start I was somewhat liberal with the change bag but learnt that horrible day in Sainsbury's when the wee man decided to have a massive runny poo that spares of everything are needed no matter where you go.
  2. Never take any shit from any other parent or member of the public about your child. The only time you can put up with rubbish is if your child hits or bites another child, luckily the wee man hasn't done this yet, However if someone makes a silly comment, you just tell them to sod off. It's liberating.
  3. Never leave a toddler to their own devices. This is generally a norm however I on occasion let the wee man roam around a couple of rooms when I'm in the shower for instance and usually come back through to find him scaling something very tall. He is quickly removed and attached to a ball and chain.
  4. Never feed your child after dark. For this just watch Gremlins and know that this will you happen to you.
  5. Finally, have booze in the house for those just in case moments. You know what I mean...

So nearly a year to the day I took over and 300 days of blogging I learnt quite a bit but I dare say none of it will be helpful as we move into the next stages and soon enough the wee man will be telling me to 'sod off' and that he hates me. Good times.


Thursday, 4 July 2013

Toddler Wrestling

Through all the chaos in recent days I forgot to tell you that I had a Baby Centre blog published this week. You can probably tell from it that I'm not the biggest fan of Michael Gove. But to be fair who is? Anyway click on the link and have a read.

It doesn't take long for you, after a holiday, to slip back into normality. Of course at the moment we are far from normality, though today we got on with some of the day to day jobs we have to do and the wee man returned to normal playing with his little friends.

Camel Clutch
For a break we went to visit some of our friends and the wee man was able to catch up also with his little friends. His best mate is Funny Mummy's son and the pair of them have a habit of taking great enjoyment in pushing each other around. Literally pushing each other. It's all in good jest but one day one of them will go flying and probably break an arm.

Today the wee man took the wrestling to a new level. While his little friend was on lying on his front the wee man decided to get on his back and jump up and down. Now if you know your WWF moves the move is called the Camel Clutch. It was a little like the picture to the right but imagine it with toddlers and not as violent or brutal or probably not in any way similar.

The worst thing about this was that the wee man was giggling to myself as he tried to mount his little friend. I'm sure though that Funny Mummy's will get his revenge probably by hitting the wee man with a Tombstone or Razor's Edge. You probably don't have a clue what I'm on about but they're pretty cool moves and they're all sanctioned by parents everywhere.


Picture: Andrea Hermann/ Flickr

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

Homeward Bound

Two weeks after we left for our holiday we are finally home.
Despite us all still being total overwhelmed by life the wee man continues to be the wee man unaware of all that is going on around him. Some would say this would be the best place to be.

He has though been wonderful throughout the whole time. Having spent the time in a few different places he has settled well, been happy and has only woken us in the night time a couple of times. As The Chancellor has been organising things with her brothers I've been entertaining him any which way I can. In this time he has fallen in love with my parent's porch because a). It has glass doors through which he can screech at the neighbour's cat b). it has wind chimes which make a very loud noise and c). it's where my parents keep their tennis rackets. This is quite apt considering it's Wimbledon at the moment. However he has taken to running around my parent's house swinging the rackets as hard and fast as he can. This has caused me a little bit of worry as I expect to hear a crash, a bang and a wallop every time he runs off. After a while he just gets bored and stands on it as he watches the tennis, we have a star in the making I think. Next time we're down I'll hide the cricket bats that are in there too.

Despite all that's happened it's good to be back, even if it will only be for a few days. I can imagine a lot of trips south over the coming months and it's going to take a long time before we can be settled in one place again.   


Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Sad Times

We, here at HQ, are reeling from a very difficult few days. Half an hour after our return to Leeds, for a stop over from our holiday drive home, we got the call that my mother-in-law had died from a heart attack while still being in the South West of the country. She was about to return home when it happened and it has left us all in a state of shock. It hit us with no prior warning and suddenly our world has changed massively. For now we're living out of the same suitcase we had on holiday but aim to return home to Newcastle tomorrow to try and sort ourselves out a bit before we return to Leeds to organise the funeral.  

Disbelief and shock are the main feelings of all the family and people further a field who we've had to tell. The process of this in itself has been an awful experience for everyone and not one that any of us want to go through again anytime soon. Everyone though has been wonderful in sharing their love, support and time and I thank you all for that.

The wee man has lost a wonderful Grandma who showered him with love, affection and generosity. During our holiday together she had spent a great deal of time with him and a great bond had begun to develop, it is a crying shame that the bond won't be able to grow into something greater. Memories and pictures however will remain and as the wee man grows and begins to understand life more we will never let him forget who his Grandma was and what affect she had on his young life.

Once everything calms down we will look back at the great moments of her life rather than the sadness that it finished with. The thing we should be most thankful about and remember is that she spent the last week of her life with her sons and daughter, her grandson and her in-laws. I don't think she would have wanted it any other way. She will be badly missed.