Thursday, 31 January 2013

Always Remember To Use The Brake

After yesterday's detour to 'Fuel Jamie's Bid For World Domination Town' One Man is returning to normal duty today. Thank you for you patience.

With the house now builder free we can go back to our routine of acting like idiots without the fear of someone seeing us and judging us. This the good news from the past twenty four hours the bad news is the wee man and I have done our bit to ruin Britain's beaches.

Yesterday while taking a wonder along the beach, with Funny Daddy, we battled against hurricane force winds. I tried valiantly to keep child and all child related paraphernalia in the buggy but you only have so many hands. The buggy tried to escape on more than one occasion and I really should have learnt my lesson from this but continued to forget to use the brake. As a gust of wind took the rain cover with it I decided to run after it but as I let go of the pushchair it shot off at some great speed, from another gust, across the grass heading towards the sea wall. Child or rain cover which should I save?

With me spending my time shopping online this tells you all you need to know. The rain cover was last seen sprinting off into the North Sea and even though I care loosely about the environment I'm not going to go diving into the North Sea in January. Shopping for a rain cover though is much cheaper and much less fuss than shopping for a new child. So well done me for choosing the right option.

My self adulation at my parenting kills was short lived. While roughhousing on our return home the wee man ran into me as I was on the floor, smashing his face on my skull. This resulted in a whopper of a black eye which today has turned a very nice shade of blue. He now looks a mixture of tired, undernourished and battle scarred. This isn't a great mixture and if The Chancellor has her way the make-up will be out tonight.



Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Vote For Me (Again) Please

Roll up, roll up for another chance to make One Man and a Wee Bairn to most powerful blog in the land. After the wonderful response I got from the Baby Centre competition some time ago, you now have the chance to nominate me and this blog for a very prestigious MAD Blog Award 2013. OOOOOOH I hear you say. Yes they are very prestigious.

Already some of my wonderful mummy friends have nominated me but one nomination is not enough as I have to amass a fair few to become a finalist. If I become a finalist then I get to got to a big gala even where there will be drinking, dancing and singing. What more of an incentive to you want?

So if you feel that you need to massage my ego some more or you actually believe One Man should win blog of the year then go to this website and nominate me. Thank you.

To sweeten the deal there are amazing mystery prizes on offer if you do vote for me. By the way did I tell you how good you are looking today? Is that a new haircut? You look great in that new suit. OK now I'm crawling. My chance of going to the ball is in your hands.

Right, back to normal the normal routine tomorrow when the builders might have finally left my house.



Tuesday, 29 January 2013

The Wee Man Has A New Friend

So we have day 2 of the great building project. Our man who is doing such a fine job keeps pulling me to one side, speaking to me with words I don't quite understand. I nod politely not wanting to appear like some dumb idiot, I even try to pretend I know what he means when he talks about how to properly install a shower. I give him a face that's says "Yeah of course you do it like that, that's how I would have done it if I had had any desire to be a labourer". He's either very polite and thinks I'm a total tit or my GCSE drama skills have outfoxed him.

The wee man has taken quite a shine to our builder friend and when the chance arises he scampers through to see what he's up to. After I wrote yesterday he got his hands on a saw which had been left at child level. He clutched it by the saw blade itself and was about to swing it around when I managed to grab off him in time. He even had the audacity to have a tantrum at his new toy being confiscated. What is good about all this work going on is the wee man can be a little unsure when new people come into his world but is happy enough to play pica boo with his new friend.

To escape the drilling that has been pissing me off more than the wee man we went for a little walk. The wee man scampered about excited to be let off his lead making friends with dogs who weren't as sure about this friend thing as he was. The wee man has a habit off getting a little too excited when faced with dogs, usually scaring them and causing them to run off and hide in the bushes. He is something of a public menace.


Monday, 28 January 2013

I Am Rubbish At DIY

I have finally given up the pretense. I am admitting with my hands in the air that I am pretty rubbish at DIY. This may not shock some of you and deep down it certainly doesn't shock me. But hey we're not perfect at everything. With that admission out of the way I can tell you that we have in the house with us today a builder/electrician/handyman/tool owner. He is currently trying to patch up the hole I made some time ago and doing lots of other jobs too including drilling holes in walls.

The wee man, as I had thought, didn't take too well with a strange man in a high viability jacket upon a ladder drilling loudly into my bathroom wall. Curiosity soon turned to terror as our man with a drill bit the size of my head began his work.

The wee man's curiosity returned at the sight of the unguarded tool box in the kitchen, his eyes lighting up with new play things on the floor. The box contained lots of things that looked like great fun for the wee man but to me looked like a box of decapitation and death. Quick as a flash he pounced on the unguarded box but if there's one thing quicker than a curious child it's a parent watching their child doing something dangerous. He gave his tantrumey moan as I carried him away under my arm saying "but son, I can't possibly let you play with hammers and Stanley knives because then you might just chop off your hand or worse stab me". There's no telling the boy.

My acceptance of the inevitable realisation of my lack of skills and finally getting in a professional who actually owns tools may finally get The Chancellor off my back. She has been going on and on and on and on and on and on about the hole I made some time ago, claiming the bathroom should have been sorted well before Christmas. This may be true but I've been a bit busy and I've refused because of a male pride thing to not let any other man do work on the house. Finally the denial has lifted.



Sunday, 27 January 2013

Do I Actually Miss The Wee Man?

Things are very quiet at One Man HQ today except for the relentless tapping of me on my laptop and the low buzz of football commentary in the background. The Wee Man along with his mum and his grandmother have gone out for the day leaving me alone with my thoughts, which is never a good thing. I managed to get out of leaving the house by just not putting on a coat when the time came to leave, hiding in the living room then closing the door behind them as they headed out. Cunning.

What have I achieved with my quiet time? Well I ate a bag of Hoola Hoops, then played some stupid and time wasting football game, then I ate some more Hoola Hoops and finally got down to doing some work in turning this blog into a book while eating Hoola Hoops. I think we can call today an unmitigated success.

My eyes though keep flicking down to the corner of the laptop at the time and merging that with the thought of the wee man charging around throwing my Xbox controller on our hard kitchen floor. I'm running out of time!

I feel like I never quite achieve what I set out to do with my free time but it would help having plans made in the first place. Ten minutes after the family return I always seem to say to myself "Oh that's what I should have done today". By the time I get a day to myself again I've forgotten what I told myself the last time and I just end up sitting around chewing my nails waiting for the madness to start again. My lack of imagination is quite pathetic and I should be never be left on my own again.

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Jamie Sassoon

Is it ever acceptable to chase your child around the house with a pair of scissors in your hand? I didn't think so either. These kinds of antis may well scar then for the rest of their life. And of course teach them that running with scissors pointing up is a good thing. How many goblets of bad parenting you can bestow in such a short period of time?

The wee man's hair is long to point of making him look slightly effeminate. He is now sporting a mullet but here in the North East that is not necessarily a bad thing. This is of course the place where Kevin Keegan made them look fashionable. Thanks for that Kevin. So I have been determined to cut his hair but The Chancellor like the mother she is won't let me anywhere near his hair as she thinks I will do a bad job. So I spend my time chasing them around the flat in an effort to get my hands on his hair.

How hard can it be to cut a child's hair? He has such a small head so logic would dictate that any haircut would and should take no time at all. "Have you cut hair before Jamie?" I hear you ask. No I haven't but there is a first time everything. If I can do DIY I can cut hair.

I have given The Chancellor deadlines to book him in for an appointment or the alternative is me with my fairly blunt kitchen scissors and my artistic flair. But for some reason she has this obsession to keep his hair longer. Did she secretly want a daughter or does she just like men who are slightly androgynous. I by the way have cut my long hair so I now no longer look androgynous. Anyway who knows what her problem is but either way she has until tomorrow evening to book him into a hairdressers or I'll be doing it on Monday morning when she's at work.

Pictures will be published of my skills, unless it's really crap then I won't be taking pictures of him for a long long time.


Friday, 25 January 2013

Am I A Child Eating Monster?

There is young boy the wee man and I know who used to go to the same baby group as us. He is a nice lad, with really nice parents and he also happens to have the same birthday as the wee man. The only problem with this boy was that every time I looked at him and smiled he would burst into tears and cry uncontrollably for ten minutes, letting out a howl as he did this. This really is no exaggeration as it would take the parents quite a while to calm the poor lad down.

After it happened a few times I started to develop a little neurosis about this. Am I that ugly? Am I that scary? I don't think I come across like some scary monster about to eat the heads off of small children. All the other children I know don't feel the need to tell me what they think of me or run away from me. So this aversion to me was a bit of a shame as I got on well with the boy's mum, dad and nanny. The wee man and the boy also seemed happy to play together.

Today the lad and his mum turned up to our new toddler class, which was great as I finally had someone to talk to that I knew. I spoke easily with the mum trying not to look the little boy directly in the eyes in case he had a full blown meltdown which would leave me scurrying away in embarrassment.

In a stroke of luck (for me) though the lad instantly transferred his crying from me to the male member of the team who runs the group. Now this guy can be a bit full on and is much louder than I am so I don't blame the little guy for crying. The wee man is never quite sure what to make of him either. He stands inquisitively trying to suss him out and wondering why he is clapping and signing in his face. More often than not the wee man will turn and try to cling on tight to my neck. I don't blame him.

Anyway now this young boy seems happy to look at me and doesn't see me as a scary child eating monster anymore. Score one for me, that plastic surgery I had to remove my tentacles seems to have worked at treat.




Thursday, 24 January 2013

No Girls Allowed (Except Daughters)

It was the Dads only club today. NO GIRLS ALLOWED is our motto and it is a place where men can be real men. It doesn't matter that we were in a public place surrounded by lots of women, the ethos still stands. In our bubble of masculinity we can talk openly, without fear of reprisal, about our wives, our children and sleep (lack of).

Today the members in attendance were myself, Funny Daddy and Power Lifter Daddy. The latter was also there to be my muscle in case any over amorous ladies, recognising me from my various blogs, tried to attack me or get me to sign any of their body parts. His presence obviously worked as a deterrent as no women came anywhere near me.

I did notice a couple of looks at first while we sat around a table like three sore thumbs. The ratio at baby and toddler groups never really gets above 1 man to every 10 women, so to have three men in the same room and sitting around the same table is amazing. It shouldn't be a surprise though as all three of us are very capable of being with our children sans wives and we all thoroughly enjoy spending time with our respective children.  

It be great for Dads if our group could add a few more members and then we could really adjust the ratio to a more even level. Or we could draw straws and the unlucky one could look after all the children as the rest of us went for a few pints. We would have to all sign a confidentiality agreement of course or run the risk of angry wives and then our group would sadly be no more. The first rule of Dads club is...


Wednesday, 23 January 2013

The Spell Is Broken

Freedom. Oh that sweet taste of freedom, how I have missed thee stuck here in my cell with a clingy child and ever decreasing food supplies. OK so this may be going a bit over the top as the snow wasn't that bad and we live in walking distance of various supermarkets. But still after a few days stuck in doors, to go out for more than ten minutes, felt like an end to our prison sentence.

With going out I also managed to escape the day time soaps I had become quickly addicted to. It had become an unhealthy addiction as I sat there screaming at the TV desperate to know who one man cheated on his girlfriend with. I couldn't pretend either that the the wee man was getting any intellectual stimulation from them. Unless of course I want him to speak with rising intonation and bitch about everyone of his friends while he drinks copious amounts of expensive alcohol. The Chancellor would never forgive me. And I would never forgive myself either.

These shows aired during the day are designed to grab your attention with absurd story lines and pretty women. I'm a real sucker, hence why I had spent a few days glued to the TV watching them. But the spell is now broken, that is until the the next round of snow comes down.

So I have returned today to spending a fair amount of money on the baby groups I attend. And what a wonderful segway that is to promote my Baby Centre blog for this week. As the title would suggest I am tight with my money. When The Chancellor and I were in Florence a couple of years ago, no joke, a flying bug which looked like a moth did appear from my wallet as I opened it at one point. Seriously this no joke. The Chancellor found it very amusing, as you would imagine. I did not.



Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Scott Of The Antarctic I Am Not

After the trauma and embarrassment of yesterday I thought I would be smart and take a different approach to navigating my way through another day of snow fall. I had intended to go to a toddler group but we awoke here to yet another snow fall and the impending doom of another day stuck in doors. With the pushchair as much use in the snow as I am with a tool box, I decided to go mobile with the wee man strapped into his backpack. On first thought this seems like a logical idea, there is nothing to push and I won't embarrass myself with my lack of fitness and strength. So I set out like Scott of The Antarctic, feeling like a true polar explorer, even if I was just running some errands.

I was feeling smug on the out journey powering through the snow like a true professional, only a few minor snow flurries hitting us but nothing to get excited about. The wee man, all wrapped up in his nineteen eighties bobble hat and car anorak, seemed to enjoy getting out for some fresh air. As I pottered around the local area, running my errands, the snow came again and moved from flurries to full blown blizzards. The wee man and I being out and about and not being near any shops, at this point, were soon covered white with my backpack buddy was not particularly happy about having horizontal snow batter his face.

The smugness I had felt at being smart for choosing the backpack ebbed away quickly and there was nothing for it but to trudge home. Ten minutes of snow trudgery later and we arrived home soaking. I pulled the wee man from his backpack and he stood looking up at me with a pathetic look and with his nose streaming with snot. I didn't blame him as he stood dripping with melting snow.

I think the moral of this story might have to be something along the lines of, if it's a toss up between embarrassing yourself or letting your child get soaked through from snow then you have a parental duty to let yourself look stupid. Unless of course if pretty women are watching.


Monday, 21 January 2013

I Think I've Eaten Too Many Lion Bars

This is a graph. A very poorly drawn graph but a graph non the less. If you want science and things done properly you're reading the wrong blog. Stick with me though because there is a point to this whole thing. 

This graph is important because it is an artistic impression of me and in particular my unhealthiness. The purple line going up is my weight and the blue line going down is the amount of energy I use now on a day to day basis. The graph begins from the first day I took over from The Chancellor. As you can see, from my rudimentary drawing on Windows Paint, as soon as I took over I started doing less and therefore gaining weight at a steady level. I'm not fat by any means but I have put on a great deal of weight. This isn't helped by my diet returning to what it was when I was a student.

Now I've never been particularly bothered by my health because I used to have a physical job and could work off weight gain very quickly. But today as I pushed the wee man in his pushchair through alpine levels of snow, I quickly realised I'm not the man I used to be. I arrived at my destination, sweating, panting and close to collapsing. My heart hasn't pounded like that for a while.

It didn't get much better on the way home as I had to stop at least five times to rest, pretending to look in on the wee man in case anyone thought I was knackers. He just lay there unaware of my toils through the snow.  But today and my embarrassment has made me rethink my diet and exercise regime.

I'll start exercising but not until the snow has melted and I also need to finish all the cheese in the house first. Naturally.


Sunday, 20 January 2013

The Great Disappearing Act

After the joys of family sledging yesterday, today came the joys of a family road trip. We braved the snow and wind, packed ourselves into the car and dashed off cross country for a day of visits. The wee man has always seemed happier in other people's houses giving the impression to others that he is a lovely child. For the most part this is true but that doesn't tell the whole story. But all day today he has been that lovely child, playing with older children, stealing things off older children, stroking dogs and eating crayons. All these things he did with a big smile except for the crayons which didn't go down well with his palate, as you would imagine, but still he nibbled away until stopped by The Chancellor.

Now at the age he is, he is getting endearingly cheeky when he does things he knows he shouldn't be doing. In particular when he gets his hands on things that he shouldn't. He has taken a liking to my tablet for example, and when he sees that I've noticed him holding it he runs off giggling. Every time I catch up with him, with a burst of acceleration, he gets away from me. Remotes, phones, dummies and today colouring pencils are just some of the contraband items that he likes to run off with.

These items also appear in the oddest places. The television remote in the kitchen bin, slippers in the bath and my bank cards in his toy box. I seem to spend a lot of my time on scavenger hunts looking for stolen items. I spent half an hour once looking for my house keys which the wee man had been swinging around. In the end I found them in a shoe and that was luck as I was just moving them out of the way to look behind them. If he could tell me where he put them that would be fine but he can't and it sends me berserk. I can't afford to put trackers into all my possessions...



Saturday, 19 January 2013


What do you as a family if it has been snowing and you want to get out of the house? You go SLEDGING!!! We had, here in the North East last night, a very healthy amount of 'good' snow. By 'good' snow I mean snow where you can go sledging or build a great snowman. I'm sure by tomorrow it will have turned to that  slushy stuff that just gets you wet and annoys you. So we thought we would take advantage and have some family fun down at the local park.

Everyone has a memory of being young and having fun in the snow, even me. But when you have a child it's even better and it's so much fun spending an afternoon on a sledge tearing around a snow covered park. I'm even already looking forward to next year when the wee man will be a little older and will be able to have more fun. Listen to me, I think my cynicism must have fallen out of my pocket and has been buried under the snow somewhere.

You are allowed to be cynical about snow when you're driving through it or at work when everyone else is out having fun but when it's the weekend and you have children you really can't. And I go back to this idea of 'good' snow, it rarely falls here so when it does you have to take advantage of it.

So after all that exertion he have returned home to tea, scones and a well earned nap. A great family day had by all.

Friday, 18 January 2013

The Tablet Of Power

Back in November I bought myself a Google Nexus 7 tablet. It quickly became the greatest thing in my life*.  Since November I have become amazed at not only how it has changed my life but how it has changed the wee man's life too.

The first sign that things might be changing was when he picked up our digital camera and tried to swipe through the pictures. Seeing as the camera now seems archaic compared to the tablet, swiping it won't do anything. But to the wee man having seen me swipe the life out of my tablet he thought it was a safe bet that all technology worked in the same way. I like to think this is pretty smart.

Today though he learnt how to do something that the tablet was designed for. Every now and again I use the voice recognition feature on it to search for stuff, newspapers, locations, naked women etc. As I used the voice feature today to search for a female member of a children's TV channel he came over and after hearing the speak now tone he started speaking into the tablet.

I thought it was a one off so through the day I turned the feature on and each time he heard the speak now tone he dashed over and started nanananananananing into the tablet. If that isn't learnt behaviour then I don't know what is. Before I know it he'll be setting up his own Facebook and Twitter accounts and causing all sorts of bother online that I'll have to get him out of.

In the short term though the way forward might be to not spend so much time on my tablet even though it has this strange hold over me. But can I spend time away from it? I'm not sure. We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious precious...


*Obviously after The Chancellor and the wee man. Obviously.


Thursday, 17 January 2013

The Wee Man Loves His Mates

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away the wee man and his friends used to just lie on the floor staring up at the world above them. They all then discovered that rolling over gave them a different view on their world and once that was mastered, sitting up made life a bit more interesting. With one or two heaves forward they all took to the floor on all fours. Shakily, this led to crawling, standing, walking and now running, in all sorts of different orders. The wonders of nature.

The wee man and his friends have moved through all the phases and now instead of sitting peacefully they all charge around the place causing havoc. Today six toddlers had the freedom of a house and lots of toys making for a fun but tiring time. The fun of it though comes from the fact that they are all starting to notice each other and interact with each other. The wee man though didn't quite notice one of his friends when, being stood in his way, the wee man impatiently pushed his way passed his friend with a hefty shove.

In a comical moment, the children haven't realised yet that four of them trying to get through the same play pen gate at the same time doesn't quite work. It won't be long before there is no need for a play pen as they develop at an alarming rate.

Today also gave the wee man a chance to show his cat burglary skills. After I had pulled him away from from a handbag I watched as he trotted back over to it two minutes later, take a look left and right to make sure no one was watching him, dive in and run off with a packet of tissues. Indeed this is cunning but not the impression I would want to give about my son. Maybe his future lies in MI5 or petty theft. Hope it's not the latter.


Wednesday, 16 January 2013

An (Un)Welcome Return To Work?

I could sit here and pretend like I did something today but I didn't. There were things going on but as The Chancellor left for work this morning it was close to -5 degrees so I didn't feel especially enthusiastic about leaving a nice warm house. So the wee man and I did nothing and the highlight of the day was in the afternoon we sat in the car for half an hour warming it up as we hadn't driven it for about five days. You can tell it was a good day just from that.

Seeing as I did nothing I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you that last week I applied for a job. Yes a job and yes full time. At the start of my sabbatical I had said I would like to be off for at least a year and we will then decide from there what we are to do. Money though  despite austerity measures, is still annoyingly tight for us and the extra injection of cash would be worth while. It's also a good job with a great employer.

While applying for this job two things hit me, first of all applying for jobs is perhaps the most soul destroying and boring job there is. Secondly I don't want to go back to work. Now I know I moan a lot about being a stay at home dad and a lot of days are pretty boring but I do actually like being off work. The wee man being older but not much wiser is a different child to the one I started looking after. This stage of life is good fun for both him and me. And to be honest I don't anyone else to have fun with him when I could be having fun.

I have also gained a bond with him that I probably wouldn't have gotten if I hadn't stayed off and for that I am very lucky and very happy. I do know that I may not even get an interview for this job but applying for it is the start of what might be a long goodbye and that's quite a sobering thought. For now I will have fun reading him Italian animal books, teaching him how blow raspberries,building train sets and watching Rachel Riley.


Tuesday, 15 January 2013

The Wee Man Vs. The Loud Mean Boy

First off, this week's Baby Centre Blog has been published a day earlier so here is the link if you feel like you haven't quite read enough of my musings. If you watched the programme 16 Kids and Counting on Channel 4 then this may be of interest to you. I felt that anyone who could have 16 children and still functions on any sort of level had to be written about. Though I have very little sympathy as they actually wanted that many. I on the other hand want no more but alas that won't be my decision...unless I do something drastic.

So onto today. The wee man despite being able to run and now climb on the sofa he is still just a little guy. So when he comes up against bigger boys who scare him he isn't quite sure what to do. This afternoon at a baby play area one boy, who was to be fair a little shit, ran up to the wee man and shouted boo in his face very loudly. The first time the wee man just looked shocked and tried to carry on with his fun but the second time the boy barked right in his face the wee man burst into tears, ran over to me and clung around my neck.

The mother of said  boy did come over and apologise and then promptly clipped her child round the head. I got the impression that this wasn't the first time this boy had been naughty, the mother seemed to be at the end of her tether with her son. Especially later on as she walked past me carrying away the screaming and kicking child and packed him off away home. An unenviable situation. 

Seeing as the wee man isn't going to nursery he does need to get socialised and meet children who are going to be loud and tedious. These children play areas are generally full of loud and tedious children. So I suppose it's a necessary evil. But he's a pretty tough child anyway so I'll just tell him ignore loud kids and go off and read the news review section of the newspaper in a quiet corner. Sins of the father perhaps but it makes me happy.


Monday, 14 January 2013

Two Days Before The Day After Tomorrow (Mega Snow!)

One Man and a Wee bairn have been recycling some of our greatest indoor hits today. This is because snow has descended on the North East of England. But not letting a bit of tedious snow hamper our good times we embarked on mega block tower building  railway building and creating our own soft play with various cushions and sofas.

The wee man though was more interested in mega block tower and railway destroying as he ran off clutching seven pieces of track already assembled. He took great delight, after I had built a six foot tower, in running over to it at full speed and pushing it over. Despite making the mess, he din't help clean up instead he walked off chewing on our digital camera.

 This was the first of the two towers I built, which quickly got destroyed by King Kong (Sorry the child is blurred but the tower is the important thing).

It takes a great deal of energy and imagination to keep a small toddler entertained indoors for a whole day. I won't be doing this tomorrow that's for sure. Snow or no snow we will be going out even if I have to put him on the back of our sledge and drag him through the snow.

If you do let them get on with exploring children can amuse themselves quite easily for a while. But you leave them for a second and they're either taking the batteries out of your alarm clock and about to eat them or unloading a whole box of balsam tissues (see above). Structured fun is a must tomorrow.


Sunday, 13 January 2013

He Has The Theatrics Of Cristiano Ronaldo

Today's activities have been almost a carbon copy of yesterday only today the wee man has given us his impression of Mr Hyde. This has been away, slightly, from the fun we had yesterday.

After stopping him from eating a candle he collapsed on the floor like he had been taken out by a sharp shooter and showed me his best crocodile tears. I walked off letting him writhe on the floor like a poncy footballer until he had calmed down. Once he realised there was something better to play with, his shoes, he was happy again. Simple things.Though compared to some children out there the wee man's tantrums look insignificant and I hope my form of complete disregard for his theatrics works for the future. I hope.

The tantrums only seem to come at moments of peak frustration, tiredness or hunger which seem to be the same triggers for me when I get grumpy and moan. Allegedly. Do we ever really grow out of tantrums? We all throw paddys and tantrums in life we just don't roll around in the floor crying, unless you're Cristiano Ronaldo or any celebrity. As tantrums are a right of passage for children they are also a right of passage for parents and they test you to your limits. However I am aware that they only get worse as they get older so somehow I must try and become Mr Fantastic from Fantastic Four (he's super stretchy by the way if you don't know).

Currently though as I write this he is having fun with his Mum but he hasn't quite learnt spacial awareness as he is trying to put a tractor into the trailer that comes with the tractor. That's not going to work son. And then he goes from that to chomping away at a cardboard book. Again that's not going to work son. I think I have a lot of education to impart on him. But I'll do that tomorrow.


Saturday, 12 January 2013

Puddles And Mud

After a week of toiling and putting up with loud children Saturday brought forth a lie in and a cooked breakfast. The wee man now has returned to sleeping through and had a lie in himself today making the general mood in the house one of happiness and joy.

This general mood has continued with the wee man being in great form. During an afternoon walk, with him in the rucksack, he would go supersonic every time he saw a dog or cat. It wasn't so good for me as he kicked away excitedly into my already battered spine and screeched loudly in my ear as the dogs walked past. He took great delight, when let out of his backpack, in toddling off and standing only in puddles or in piles of mud. Great fun for him not so much fun for me when cleaning him up. As I changed him when I got back he did his new trick of trying to hide when you need to change him. Knowing what you want to do he walks backwards grinning and crouches down behind a chair or in a corner. You ask him to come out and he just grins and laughs at you. Again fun for him but not fun for me.

We were due to meet up with our friends Multi Mum and Multi Dad. However Multi Mum is dealing with multi illnesses of the children and of Multi Dad. For us it's bad enough when one of us is ill so I can't imagine what it's like if four children and a husband are ill. Especially as the male strain of illnesses are generally more potent than the female strain. I try to tell The Chancellor this but she doesn't understand. So I send our best to them and I hope they can get some sleep. We are always here to bring you stuff but not to take children away, sorry but one is enough for me.

Finally if you read this and are on Facebook there is a page devoted to this blog, and you can 'Like' it. I do realise that this is a shameful bit of self promotion but I don't care. Also to the right of this blog there is a twitter thingy you can click on. There, done. Right I'm off to watch Tree Fu Tom.


Friday, 11 January 2013

A Baby Group On Steroids

One man and a wee bairn embarked on a trip to a brand new group today. For nearly a year we went to baby sensory and a splendid time was had by all but the wee man has now outgrown baby sensory. This is sad as it was a great group but as one door closes another one opens. Today we started toddler sensory. I'm not sure how to describe it except it's like baby sensory but injected with steroids and red bull. There are no baby toys anymore, they have been replaced with bridges, gangways and huge mountains of foam blocks.

But did the wee man want to play with these things? No. He wanted to stand in front of a boom box and dance whilst staring at a lights show. Because he has just graduated up to this class he is now on the smaller side for the group so maybe in a couple of months he will  be walking the plank or scaling what must be for him Everest instead of dancing.

The group leaders were energetic to say the least. I caught of the husband of the couple cannon balling a can of Red Bull behind a door just before we started. I now know where he gets his energy. After seeing what the group leaders do I also know that he needs as much help as possible. This morning I could have done with his energy drink as I was suffering from a fuzzy head from the night before.

So as we approach bedtime for the wee man both he and I are both shattered. Swimming followed the toddler group and by the end of that I was about ready to cry for my pillow. As he is getting old he is needing to engage in more and more energy sapping activities which means I get a work out too which also means I get over tired too. I'm off for a lie down.  


Thursday, 10 January 2013

My Son The Kamikaze Pilot

The wee man's kamikaze antics have finally caught up with him this afternoon. After a nice afternoon with various parents at soft play and having eaten a whole banana in ten seconds the wee man set off on a series of quick laps around the living room. He recently learnt how to run but has not quite worked out how to slow down and then stop. So he tends to run around in circles until he falls over or runs in a wall. So as he began lap four or five he tripped on the living room rug and went flying crashing his head off the sharp edge of his toy box. There was the inevitable silent pause while he held his breath, went purple and let rip with an almighty cry.

Two trickles of blood began running down his face from a rather large gash and for the first time as a parent I had a real panic thinking a trip to the nearest A&E would be necessary. Luckily with the aid a very absorbent kitchen roll (the advert is true) I managed to mop up the blood. Two hours later and it looks OK and most of the swelling has gone down but I still had him wearing a hat as The Chancellor arrive home. It didn't take long for her to question why he was sporting the hat and the game was up for me.

She took it well but secretly, I imagine, blames me. Never mind, we all live to fight another day. The scary thing for me afterwards was the thought that it was very close to his eye and if he had made impact with that it would have been a very different scenario for us. 

To treat myself and to treat my shattered nerves wine is now in the house and once the wee man is in bed my rehabilitation can commence.


Wednesday, 9 January 2013

The Wee Man Strikes Back

First off this sunny Wednesday is a link to this week's Baby Centre blog It's about dummies and the like so if you feel the need after reading this to read the other then please go ahead.

So back to the mundane. And my victory of two nights ago was short lived as the wee man returned to imitating a very loud alarm clock set for four in the morning. I let out a loud sigh as I rolled over and checked the time on my Pink Floyd Dark Side of The Moon alarm clock (I know, it's totally ace).

 Not again was the cry from both I and The Chancellor. My hard-line tactics are making things quicker in terms of a return to sleep but I dread to think what it will be like when he is in a bed and can get out. We might well be buying a water cannon or cattle prod. I'm not sure if you can readily buy them from your local B&Q so if you know stockists I'm all ears.

As the wee man and I were grumpy as hell this morning a music group that gave out coffee and biscuits seemed the only logical place to go. With Funny Mummy returning to work Funny Daddy is now doing a couple days of childcare and his first day was today. Like two well seasoned house wives we marched off to dance, sing and eat stale biscuits. After singing loudly and dancing vigorously for an hour the wee man I made a truce and became friends again. I probably won't be saying that later tonight.

We stayed out most of the day with me trying my best to ware him out and get him to take in as much sea air as possible. Maybe this was in vain but we'll find out tonight and I'm sure I will tell you about it tomorrow.


Tuesday, 8 January 2013


Victory, of sorts, was achieved last night. Finally. The cycle of very early wake-up calls ended as the wee man stayed asleep all the way through until seven o'clock. This really was welcome to us after eight broken nights and early mornings. Whether it will happen again is another thing. I dare say it won't but being pessimistic on subjects like this is better than being optimistic. 

This week has seen the return of all our baby groups which everyone is happy about. There will hopefully, until half term, be no more days where we're bimbling around trying to fill our days. Today was a bounce and rhyme group which is run by perhaps the most enthusiastic person I've ever met. If you think of Tigger from Winnie The Pooh and then give him Speed or Ecstasy and you get this lady. Having said that she is one of the reasons why we drive twenty minutes to get to the group. 

So with a crazed lady bouncing around the place at a breakneck speed I found it quite difficult to keep up with the pace. My difficulty in keeping up with her was hampered by me carrying a fair amount of excess weight from Christmas. I found myself breathless at various points which is dreadful of someone my age. I wonder now if the lady who runs the group ever sits still or if she has any down time. If she does she must have one hell of a downer.

The wee man all tired out crashed in the car on the way home and I was nothing but jealous watching him snooze in the back of the car. Being a parent at times is rubbish. I wouldn't mind a couple of naps a day and I also wouldn't mind a driver and someone making me all my meals and...


Monday, 7 January 2013

Countdown Returns!

I will start with what seems to be the usual. Yes again I was up at four this morning but my no nonsense and zero tolerance approach seems to be working as I was only up for half an hour. Still despite my crackdown I would prefer not getting up at such an hour but he's the boss I suppose.

To combat another night awake I filled my day with such wonders and delights you would be jealous. What better way to start the week than with a trip to Ikea. I told you you would be jealous. Seeing as I rarely visit industrial parks for fear of talking and interacting with people I was impressed I made it and made it through the diabolical maze of walkways and wonderful bargains. With the wee man on my back we weaved in and out of slow movers who spoke to each other amazed by how much storage solutions cost. I was tempted to tell them 'howay it's Ikea what do expect?' Anyway we purchased a new highchair and toilet brush, which is now the wee man's new favourite toy, and ran hot footed from the Swedish version of purgatory. To allay any fears I haven't used the toilet brush yet I'm not that much of crap a parent.

So after that successful trip of not looking people in the eye I was quickly off to soft play with a friend. From one purgatory to something similar. With the children of Newcastle still being off from school the place was filled with kids as usual being loud and annoying. The wee man being amazingly social lasted half an hour before crashing out for a nap.

However there was light at the end of tunnel today in the shape of Rachel Riley as Countdown returned to our afternoons. I know it has been gone only three weeks or so but it felt like a lifetime. Charmed, the programme about pretty witches, tried to fill the void but alas to no avail. I actually tweeted Rachel Riley the other week telling her to read this blog, inevitably I didn't hear back from her. Shame.


Sunday, 6 January 2013

Sleep? Chance Would Be A Fine Thing

A pattern has emerged in the past week. It is not a nice pattern and I hope it stops soon. I mentioned the other day about the wee man getting up in the night and being a pain but we worked out today that for a week now every night he has gotten up at four in the morning. I asked The Chancellor if he has slept through at all since we returned from holiday, as I can't remember, and she said no.

Last night we were a bit meaner with the wee man as he woke at four and spent the next hour crying. Doors were closed, the monitor was turned off and pillows were applied over our heads. Even then we could still hear him cry. He has a habit of getting past himself and gets himself very agitated when you don't go through to see him. This doesn't help anyone.

I have to admit the one major mistake we have made with the wee man is with his sleeping. Because he had hypothermia and massive weight loss at the start of his life we were terrified about him so every time he cried we dashed in to sooth him. Under the circumstances controlled crying was never an option and even now I wouldn't use it with future children.

The wee man now has become use to us going in on a night and helping him back to sleep. Hoist by our own petard to use a famous phrase. I realise the problems we have caused for ourselves. Unfortunately for us he has also always been a light sleeper and wants to spend all him waking time bombing around the house, even at four in the morning.

If you're reading this and have a child who is a good sleeper then I am very jealous and I ask do you want to sell us some of your lovely sleep? The one thing I wish I had appreciated most pre-children is sleep. Those long ten hour sleeps, those gorgeous long lie ins and that feeling of being refreshed. Maybe I will get that back in the next life...


Saturday, 5 January 2013

My Son Destined To Be A Bin Man Or A Super Villain

The wee man is a bit naughty. As much as his mother claims he is a lovely little boy who does no wrong, he is naughty. He is also very smart. This is a combination that will inevitably lead him to becoming a super villain. He has started pushing his luck a bit mostly with the kitchen bin which he knows is off limits.

While in the bath yesterday I let him roam but the only thing he wanted to play with was the bathroom bin. From the bath I told him no, he looked at me smiling and made a noise that sounded like yes. I repeated no and again he smiled and replied with the noise again. This happened a third and fourth time and eventually he moved away to eat a hairbrush. While this conversation was going on he had his hand on the bin the whole time. I could sense a really battle of wills which neither of us wanted to loose.

Today we had the same thing but with the kitchen bin. This time he didn't move away on my command and had to be escorted from the kitchen, which he didn't like. When he does these things with The Chancellor he gives his mum a nice cute smile which melts her heart immediately leading to her never being angry with him. Because I am with everyday his smiles don't work on me anymore leading to me being the disciplinarian. It's a crap role but I suppose someone has to do it.

For The Chancellor the wee man can do no wrong but maybe I would be the same if I didn't see him all day. With your limited time you wouldn't want to focus on his naughty moments. As he gets older it's only going to gets worse, just wait until he's smoking and drinking and bringing back dirty girls, I think his mum might have something to say then.


Friday, 4 January 2013

Night Owls

Here are some words to sum up today; clingy, noisy, loud, crying, annoying. Add them up and you don't get a fun day especially after another night where none of us got much sleep. 

For £100 and a chance to win a luxury car, can you tell me what has been keeping my son up for the past three nights?

What's that you say??? He's ill again??? If that's the answer you're giving me then yes you're right and you move forward to the bonus round!

Another night and another wake up call at four in the morning followed by an hour of crying and cursing. It's getting all too familiar. I've tried spending the days out and about to tire him out, I've tried staying in to keep him from the cold and I've tried everything in between. But still at four in the morning that muffled cry comes through the monitor. The Chancellor and I hold our breath, will he go back to sleep? Five seconds later we're playing rock, paper, scissor to determine who goes through to face the dragon child. Though it doesn't really matter as the other one doesn't sleep anyway.

For £10 and a chance to drink a cup of tea and eat a biscuit would you want to come over and sit with my son tonight?

What's that???Piss off??? If that's the answer you're giving me then I don't blame you.



Thursday, 3 January 2013

A Day At The Beach In January?

The miserable time of the year I foresaw in my crystal ball a couple of days ago hasn't quite materialised, not yet anyway. This makes for a turn up for the books, not that I'm constantly cynical or anything. It has helped though that, for the first time in a while, we haven't needed to wear a snow suit to leave the house and even the tedious North East rain has stopped, for time being. It hasn't taken long for the mild air and dry streets to boost my post new year morale.

So this afternoon the wee man and I were joined by Funny Mummy and her little toddler and we went off to the beach. She has been as desperate as we have been for something to do and together we attempted to cast away boredom. We let our boys off their leashes and let them roam across the sands which they enjoyed no end. The glint in their eyes was apparent as they saw the almost endless expanse of sand. The wee man however found the lure of the waves too much and kept running off towards the sea. My son attempting to enter the sea isn't useful for either of us and that wouldn't be a conversation I would want to have with The Chancellor.

This type of activity may well be my future as the wee man is needing more and more exercise to sleep through the night and to not be so generally grumpy. Seeing as he was up at four in the morning this mornig, I'm hoping the sea air might act as some kind of sedative and he can give The Chancellor and I some sleep. Otherwise he's getting some alcohol in the dead of night

Today have left me in good spirits that days in January needn't be dull or miserable. But both Funny Mummy and I are desperate for the groups to start up again. There are only so many home made activities you can fill your weeks with. Coffee and cake next week? Yes please.


Wednesday, 2 January 2013

The Most Miserable Time Of The Year

I think we have a very early contender for the 'most miserable day of the year award'. The household all woke with The Chancellor's alarm at some dreadful hour and we all woke in a really bad mood. It didn't help that it was pitch black outside and pissing it down with rain.The wee man was down very early for a nap after a grumpy start to the day but luckily he woke in a better mood.

The Chancellor and I spent a good hour rubbing our heads, first thing, trying to come to terms with a return to normality. It might well take a few weeks to come to terms with this though or at least until I see the sun again. The Chancellor on her return this evening spoke of a work place full of really really miserable people, who were really really bitter at all those colleagues who aren't due in until next week.

Back at home not all was lost today as the wee man and I spent the afternoon putting together his Thomas The tank Engine battery powered train set, which is really quite special. He was given it as a birthday present and we have only today had the time to empty the boxes and create a rail adventure. At various points the wee man, like Godzilla, decided to destroy the work we had done and twirl around with pieces of track in his hand. This was all very delightful for him but we had to start all over again. Despite the general feeling of being miserable in our house today, I can't think of many better ways to spend your time than playing with train sets with your son.

In another piece of news my first Baby Centre blog of the year was published today. The subject is crap parenting moments and it's a shame it was written two weeks ago as I could have added a number of other examples to the list. If you want to have a read then why not go to . I can't think of any reason why you wouldn't!


Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Hello 2013

Happy new year to you my readers. I imagine today you will be feeling; a). hungover, b). bloated or c). both. I feel both. I know I said the other day that I was now off crap food and wine but last night and today were really the last times...really.

Tomorrow the world returns to normal as The Chancellor and most other working folk of the country return to the daily grind. This also includes me and the wee man as we return to trying to fill our days. The toddler groups for the new year don't start up again until next week so I have three days to fill until The Chancellor is off for the weekend.

As I have to now use every available brain cell thinking of things to do I won't use them on writing this blog so here are some pictures for you. I'm not lazy just full of food and I want to sit down on the sofa.

A knowing look.

A good lucking jumper.

Right I look like I have eaten a balloon so I'm going to try and deflate myself.